Are You Talking To Me?

I have never believed that God speaks to us in the ways of the old testament. Today's lesson was about Samuel and how God called his name and stood and spoke to him. How amazing would that be? I don't think God talks to us like that anymore, but I do believe he still talks to us. I believe he calls us to do things and leads us to things in the quiet moments when we are still enough to listen...rare for me! Yesterday, when I woke up it was on my mind that I needed to tell someone I had been praying for them. We haven't exactly been "on the same page" lately but I knew it was something I was "supposed" to do. So often when God tells me to do things I answer with "fiiiiiine" which is not the best attitude. So grumbling about it not making a difference I sent the text. It made a difference.
I have really been struggling with the ten year anniversary of my grandmothers death. There are still days when I think she will call. Yesterday, I went to the book store with my mom and in the historical fiction section (one of my favorites) I saw a book called "one more day" by Mitch Albom. It is not historical fiction. I could never bring myself to read "the five people you meet in heaven" but I have heard it was good. I looked at this book and just stood there. I have been asking, pleading really, for just one more day and now here is this book...fiiiiiine. I finished the book this afternoon. It was a great story of love, family and loss. Because I am trying to process rather than hide from things, here is why I want one more day....
After high school I went to live with my grandmother who had a brain tumor. She was, according to doctors, dying. I could not/would not accept this and in my 17 year old brain thought I could fix things. A week after I arrived, she went to the hospital. There were good days and bad days, funny moments and excruciating moments, sleepless nights and sleepy days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I watched her sign her will, plan her funeral, and decide how she would die. When she got home from the hospital she made me promise not to take her back, to let her stay at home as long as she could but to die at Grace Home so her house would always be a happy place. The day my grandmother went to hospice, my aunt told her she was going to the hospital. In the ambulance, she held my hand and said "you promised, you promised" and the betrayal in her eyes was almost unbearable. No matter how I tried to explain she never did believe me. Those were the last words she said to me, I can still hear them whenever I let someone down. I do not know what I would do with one more day. I want her to see Cal, to see Carrie with the man of her dreams, to know that I kept my promise. I see her in my dreams and rarely I hear her. So maybe I won't get one more day, maybe I will...either way in the stillness of the book store when I let myself just be, these are the times when God can move me and show up to give comfort. He is always there, I just have to be still enough to hear him.

I hope you find time today to be still and let God speak to you in the stillness. Because, yes, He is talking to you and to me!

Rain, rain go away...

"Rain, rain go away. Come again some other day". Even as a kid this rhyme struck me as odd. Why would you want the rain to come another day? Isn't that just asking bad stuff to come back to visit? (I love rain, but it's figurative, people, keep up!)
So I didn't finish the "30 days of me" because, as usual, I got bored. I don't finish a lot of things because I get bored....it's a pretty bad habit. Recently, I've learned there are several things I need to work on...

1. I need to figure out what I want from life. My life may not be planned by me, but drifting without a goal can cause me to hurt others unintentionally.

2. I need to get it through my head that not everyone is going to hurt you, lie to you, betray you, or leave you alone.

3. I am not, despite my hopes, the controller of all things. Sometimes I have to hand the control to someone else and trust them.

4. Some people really do care, even about me, and it is incredibly unkind of me not to trust them when they have given me no reason not to.

5. Love, even thinking about it, is petrifying to me. There is something wrong with that. Letting that continue only let's someone else continue to steal the joy from my life. Go away joy stealer!!

6. I am not perfect. I am not all that outgoing. I can be grumpy and hard to get along with. I will never be the most beautiful or the life of the party, but there are people out there that will love me anyways, if only I will let them.

7. Words don't come easy to me. I prefer to write, but sometimes people need to hear the things that I am thinking in the moment. Sometimes the most honest thing I can do is tell people how I feel right then...even if it doesn't flow and I miss a few things.

I quite possibly gave up one of the greatest things in my life recently because I don't trust people. I let fear cause me to be...well...stupid. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to hand over control, but I want to or at the very least I want to learn. I am so sorry my sweet friend, please come back another day, but if you don't rain, rain go away and feel free not to come another day.

Daughter of my Heart

When I was prego with Cal I thought I wanted a little girl. I had a name and everything...Savannah Jeanne. Amazing right?!? Then Cal was a boy so that was that. Once Cal was born, I knew, almost instantly, I would never have another baby. The little girl that I thought I wanted would never be, and that was ok. I hear girls are more trouble anyways. :)
A daughter of my own wasn't in the plan, but 13 years ago I got the honor and privilege of taking on someone else's daughter. I got to watch her grow and mature. I got to help guide her in life and watch a chubby little girl blossom into a beautiful young lady. I held her when life was hard and did my best to explain the hurt she felt from decisions she had no part in. She was the daughter of my heart, but she was never mine to keep. She was only mine to borrow and I am so grateful for the time I got to spend "raising" my little neighbor girl. I miss her terribly as life has taken her down a different road. She will always be my little girl and the daughter of my heart.

I love you my sweet girl and I pray life brings you all the happiness you are searching for...

Day 20

Day 20
Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

The day my sister has been waiting for....wait no longer!  I could take the easy way out here and say I see myself being with Cal in the future...but I won't.

I can't give a specific answer on who I'm going to marry or be with in the future, but I can tell you what I want them to be like....  I want to be with a person who understands that I think separate bedrooms is a great idea and doesn't think I'm crazy for it.  I want to be with a person who knows I am either attached or not, in it to win it or not playing, totally in love or not even slightly interested and not take advantage of that.  I want someone who is honest and kind.  I want someone who makes me laugh and laughs at me too.  He will understand that my family may be a little cooky, but they are mine and always will be.  He will know that I love to organize parties, but hate to be in crowds.  Whoever I am with in the future will understand that there are lots of opposites about me, but I can be and want to be that soft place to fall for people, the person that holds a family together and that makes a house a home. He will know that I will not agree to obey them, and most likely won't change my name, and they will appreciate driving vacations rather than huge grand once in a lifetime never to be repeated ones...So do I have a specific person in mind to marry?  Not so much...but I've got some good ideas...oh and my mom has always said it's important to marry someone who makes you laugh and is a good kisser.  :)

Not what you were hoping for now was it sister?!  :)  For more specifics, here is my list of non negotiables...

1  Looks at you not past you

2  Keeps in contact with family

3  Makes me see things differently

4  Is funny

5  Tells good stories

6  Has good hands

7  Loves music

8  Is a good hugger

9  Loves kids

10  Plays with my hair

11  Doesn’t let me get everything I want

12  Tells me the truth even when I don’t like it

13  Is a good kisser!

Day 17-19

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Hmmmm....I'm not sure who I would switch lives with, maybe the president, but probably not.  Really the only person I can think of to change lives with would be the one person whose choices I can never understand, but I wouldn't want him anywhere near my life.  I want to know why.  I want to know how.  I want to know all the reasons that are behind the decisions that another person can make that changes the lives of so many while they go on seemingly uncaring.  Or I could totally be Reba!! :)

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
I plan and dream to be the best mom ever.  There was a time that I thought being a stay at home mom would be amazing, maybe if my child wasn't my clone that would be true....

I plan to have my own home that is welcoming and home to others even when they are not family.

I plan to get a different car because 16.7 miles per gallon is totally unacceptable!!

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Snorticus/Snorty/Snortny - my mom's family call me this, then Carrie turned it into Snorticus.

Universe - Jill started calling me this when she and Carrie were in college.  She was the world and I was the universe.

CoCo - Another Jill creation, although some of the seniors from last year called me this too.

CourtyBee- My grandpa has called me this as long as I can remember.

Courts - Pretty much only my uncle Mike calls me this bc I call him Uncs.

Day 14-16

Day 14 - a picture of your family

Day 15 - first 10 songs to play on your iPod
Well I don't have an iPod but I have pandora on my phone and according to my mom it plays 24/7. This is not exactly accurate, but close. I love music. I also love to sing but it's really not one of my gifts :)
1. Back in Time
2. Upside down
3. The Best Day (one of my favorites!)
4. Dont You Wanna Stay
5. If This Was a Movie
6. Two is Better Than One
7. Yellow
8. All Around the World
9. Call Me Maybe
10. The Joker

Day 16 - another picture of yourself

Day 13

Day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Oh my...well here goes nothing

You will never know how much I care about you. Partially because I can't find the words and partially because you are too focused on other things to find out. Do you know that you are in my thoughts most of the day, that I worry about the things that you worry about, that I hurt for you when you hurt? Do you know I would do almost anything to keep you safe and happy? It makes me angry to see what you have to deal with, but choices were made that I cannot change and even so I will love you anyways. I have never missed anyone in my life the way I miss you. I miss your smile, your hugs, the quiet times when it's ok to just sit and "be." I miss the companionship and laughter. I miss my friend. Your words and actions are like a slap in the face, but I will love you anyways because it's the only thing I know to do. I will love you through this and anything that comes after, even if that means I have to love you from afar or through the hurt. I will always, always love you anyways.