I want to be a Grandma

I want to be a Grandma...not like a grandmother but like the type of person who is like my grandma.  You know those people who always have a perfect house and have just baked something wonderful no matter when you show up?  Those people who are ok with you just showing up?  I want to be one of those people.  Both of my grandmothers were/are remarkable people.  My mom's mom is gone now, but my dad's mom is still living and still pretty awesome!

My mom's mom, who we called Granny, was one of the kindest people I have ever known.  She had limitations, don't get me wrong but for the most part she was nice to everyone.  She taught me the value of learning and using someone's name, that when you judge people harshly it's normally what you end up doing yourself, and the art of hospitality.  She taught my mom how to give a guilt trip better than anyone I know and she taught all of us that, above all, family sticks together.  She may have hated what you were doing, but we always know she still loved us.  She was one of the best living lessons on God hates the sin but not the sinner.  Everyone knew the door at 263 Carrolton was open to all and there was always a pot of coffee for anyone who dropped by.  I loved having holidays at Granny's because you never knew what new face would be there or what new story you would hear.  You may never see that new person again but in that time and in that season they needed a family and we were it.  There was always room in her life for new people.  I want that for myself.  I want to teach that lesson to Cal.  People need people.  This is something I struggle with because I dislike sharing my life and feelings with people, but it is a lesson I want to pass on to my son.  I want him to always know that holidays are not sacred events that are for family only.  I want him to know that what makes holidays truly worth celebrating are the "extras" and that sometimes those "extras" become a part of your family even more than those who are family by birth.  Granny always taught us to be welcoming.  She taught us to love despite what people may do or say and she taught us that sometimes to love someone you have to tell them the things they do not want to hear.  I hope that one day I can be like her and love like her.  I hope I can accept like her.

Granny and some of our "extra" family.  The Lunch Bunch ladies have always been part of our lives

My dad's mom, she is Grandma, is also one of the kindest people I know, but in a totally different way.  Grandma loves quietly.  She sends birthday cards and gives people plants that she had extras of.  More than anything she is incredibly strong!  You will never see Grandma standing up in front of a group of people telling them what to do, but she has an iron will.  She raised 6 kids and made a family.  She has been married to the same man for 60+ years and did it knowing neither family was incredibly thrilled with the marriage.  Grandma went to Washington to speak out against abortion, was an active member of the Republican party, and worked the voting polls for as long as I can remember.  She can take random ingredients and make a meal.  Grandma is someone I look up to for her silent strength, her ability use kind words all the time, and her amazing homeyness.

That's me and Grandma!  Somedays I think we look alike.

So how do these seemingly polar opposites combine?  I do not know.  They each have so many great qualities.  They are both strong Southern women- one outspoken, the other quiet.  They both know how to instill family values.  The French family is all about communication while the Lemm's go months without speaking.  They love so differently, but each family is led by a strong woman.  One day I want to be that strong woman at the head of my family.

Happy Memorial Day!

The Road to Heroine

Oh get your mind out of the gutter!  Not THAT kind of heroine...the female hero kind of heroine!  My first semester of college English, we had to write a paper about the meaning of a hero.   I was 17 then and wrote that to me a hero is an ordinary person who does extraordinary things.  Heros aren't the people who do something huge, but someone who chooses to do small, good things every day.  They are the people who show up in your time of need.  They are the people who can keep a secret.  They are the people who always have open arms no matter what has happened.

Have you ever met my mom?  If so, you know she is not the average person.  She is one of the kindest people around.  My mom is one of those amazing people who is always there.  She has coached and taught countless children and influenced their lives.  She has dealt with parents who were involved and absent.  Those that baby their children and those that don't know their children at all.  She has loved the unloveable and taken the unathletic and made them a team.  Randomly people will say "I just loved the cards your mom sent to me during (insert drama here)."  She is the person who is there for the initial crisis and still there 2 weeks later when most people have moved on.  My mom never forgets a birthday, even if her card is a few days (or weeks) late.  My mom loves her family and no matter what stands by them.  She is a wife, mother, sister, aunt and grandmother and she is the greatest at all of them.
Tomorrow is her birthday and it is a great day to celebrate a woman who has done so many great things with very little acclaim.  I love my mommy and you should too!  :)  Happy Birthday, Mom!!

Wherever you go, There you are

Wherever you go, there you are.  Isn't that the most annoying statement you've ever heard?  I thought so to until this year.  When I was 16, my parents decided I needed to go see a counselor.  Most of the sessions were completely pointless (I'm not bitter or anything) and on the last one she said "What you need to remember in life is wherever you go, there you are."  That just made me mad.  Now that I am a decade older it is starting to make sense.
When Cal was born, I was trying to deal with the fact that my grandmother had recently died.  Then I was trying to figure out the whole "mom thing."  Then Cal got sick.  Not long after Cal started improving, my uncle, who was everything to me, died.  It seemed like I was going from big event to big event and never really dealing with any of them.  So in July of 2011, I turned 27 and I wanted things to be different.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to be "me" again.  I will turn 28 in 50 days.  I haven't made any really huge changes, but I am working towards understanding that wherever I am, crisis or no, that's exactly where I am.  More importantly, it's exactly where I am suppose to be.  My path is not planned by me.  Thankfully, it is planned by someone much smarter than me.  He is a father, friend, shepherd, and master navigator.  Where He leads me I will follow, and wherever I end up, there I will be with Him and that will be a good place.

The Voyage of the Article Reader

I am an article reader.  You can find an article for any situation in your life.  I read them and sometimes obsess over them.  This annoys almost everyone in my life because sometimes the articles are a little crazy.  I am an article reader anyways.
People ask me quite often how old I am?  When I say 27 they act a little shocked.  This has happened to me as long as I can remember.  "You seem so much older" is the most common response.  I used to take offense at this comment, but now I think they are commenting on my maturity level and not the gray patch of hair that I try to keep colored.
So yesterday I was reading articles and I came across this article on stresstips.com about major life events that are the most stressful.  It included things like jail time, divorce, death, new job, etc.  As I went through the list I thought the items they listed were not average people things...how many people spend time in jail? Not I.  So that got me thinking (this is why people HATE for me to read articles) and in true article reader fashion, I kept reading.  Did you know that some events in life stop you from progressing in certain parts in your life?  They do!  There are parts of me that are very old.  How many people under 30 do you know that have planned a funeral?  There are parts of me that are very young.  I went on my first trip without family this year.  So despite what the article says are the most stressful life events, here are the things I believe are most difficult to deal with:

1. Watching someone you love die
2. Having a baby/ Becoming a parent
3. Being alone
4. Learning to depend on others
5. Losing your best friend
6. Figuring out who you are
7. Learning that ignoring something doesn't make it go away

We are the 1%

A few weeks ago someone asked me, "How did you become a single parent?" the sass in me wanted to respond with a 3 letter word, but I have a filter so I didn't.  :) So let me tell you how this journey began...I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant.  I thought it was the worst possible thing that could happen.  I looked into adoption, but ultimately I knew I couldn't go through with it.  I was having to go to the doctor twice a week because "the baby" (Cal was referred to as "the baby" for all of my pregnancy, and still is quite a bit) wasn't growing right.  There was no medical explanation for this other than I was under a lot of stress.  Then one day in November, the little baby who wasn't growing made his appearance in the world.  He was a 5 pound 12 ounce little thing that was suppose to need NICU, but did fine on his own.  I moved back to Houston 10 days after Cal was born.  I was home, but lost as could be.  Being a new parent is one of the hardest, most scary and exciting experiences a person can go through.  I wasn't just a new parent though.  I was a teenager.  I was single.  I was living back at home after being on my own and I had to find the path that was right for me, the path that was right for us.  I won't tell you it was pleasant because it wasn't.  There were days, and still are, that I know Cal deserves more than I can give him.  My world was rocked, but I needed to be his rock.  So for a long time I refused to deal with the hurts and emotions that arose from being a single, teenaged mother.
About a year after Cal was born, I was starting to feel like things were settling down.  In October of 2004, Cal got his first ear infection.  This shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was the first time he had been sick.  He went to the doctor and then we went to Fall Festival at school.  That night I woke up and knew something was wrong.  I went to check on Cal who just didn't seem to be breathing right.  I took him to my mom who thought I was overreacting but said "take him to the ER if you think you should."  I did and, of course, got lost on the way.  I had to ask a police man at a gas station how to get to the hospital.  That was one of the scariest nights of my life and so much is a blur, but certain moments are crystal clear like watching a TV show.  I remember him looking at me like I was a crazy person and he told me "If you are going to be a help to anyone you have to calm down." The next part that I remember is Cal being in the exam room and the nurse telling me the machine batteries must be dying because it was reading his Pulse-Ox at less than 80%.  After the 3rd machine, she realized it was correct and I heard "Pediatrics to the ER stat."  The next few hours are a blur and I remember the doctor coming in and telling me I needed to call my family or anyone who wanted to say goodbye.  I couldn't get my fingers to dial any phone numbers.  When my parents showed up, a nurse had convinced the doctor to call Texas Children's and see if they would take Cal.  I heard the doctor tell my dad "kids like this just crash and burn."  Cal was suppose to fly on a helicopter to Texas Children's but the wind was too bad and we had to take an ambulance.  When we arrived the doctor told us there wasn't really anything that could be done and a counselor came in.  I suppose she was there to prepare us.  Cal stayed in ICU 10 days.  He was the 1% who survived viral and bacterial pneumonia of both lungs at the same time.  Doctors still say things to me like "he shouldn't be alive."  This is something I know.
When Cal turned 3, he had had pneumonia many times and had been hospitalized 4 times.  He had ear tubes and was functioning at less than 50% lung capacity.  He was not phased.  He was eventually seen by the head of pediatric pulmonology at Texas Children's who wanted him tested for Cystic Fibrosis.  His sweat test came back positive for Cystic Fibrosis and he was sent for DNA testing to confirm.  I was told the sweat test is 99% accurate.  He is the 1% that proves the test wrong.
When Cal turned 4, his hearing was tested because his speech was poor.  He had distinct hearing loss and his right ear drum does not vibrate at all.  Most kids with this issue never learn to speak properly and appear to have the speech of a deaf person.  He is the 1%.  Most people never know Cal has a hearing problem.
When Cal turned 5, he was on steroids and taking adult dosages of medicine to help his breathing.  These are medications he would need to be on the rest of his life.  Cal is now medication free.  My little boy has proved the 99% wrong from the day he was born.  He overcame things most adults haven't even dealt with.  He is my 1% and I wouldn't give him up for anything.  Cal is the biggest blessing of my life.  He came from a terrible package, but I wouldn't trade him or our life.  We are a family, odd as it may be, just a boy and his mom, but we are a family nonetheless.  So how did I become a single parent?  I chose to in a lot of ways and I was forced to in a lot of ways.  Initially, I had no choice, but now you couldn't make me share Cal for anything.
Welcome to our journey...we've been lots of places and we have lots more to visit!