Today I had this actual conversation...
Me: Tech Office, this is Courtney.
Caller: The internet is broken.
Me: No it isn't. What's wrong?
Caller: I keep trying to go to a website and it won't work. I keep getting a page that says "the administrator has blocked this site"
Me: Certain websites are blocked for content. Send me a screen shot and I'll see what's going on.
Caller: Well how do you get to a new website?
Me: In the white bar at the top of the page, type w-w-w-dot-g-o-o-g-l-e-dot-c-o-m
Caller: How do you know everything?
Some days adults baffle me....
Monday, December 3, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thanksgiving and a Funeral
What's in a family? To me a family are those that are given and those that are chosen. I was given the most amazing family that I love, although they do make me insane a lot! My mom is one of those people that people just want to be around, and she has made our family a welcoming place for all...even some I want to give back. :)
We just got home from Thanksgiving and a Funeral. My grandfather lives in Alabama and we go there for Thanksgiving. (I skip out sometimes bc the trip is FOREVER) This is probably our last Thanksgiving with Grump. His body is giving up. Today we went to the funeral of my mom's uncle, my grandfather's brother-in-law, Edsel. I think I met him twice, but while sitting in his funeral today I realized I would soon be sitting here for my grandfather and I hate that. The minister today said something that made a impact on me... (well 2 things)
1. He is absent on earth, but present with the Father.
Oh to be present with our Father!!!
2. In this family, you loose the "in law" status real quick and you are just family.
That is so true of the Frenches! I used to think it was only from my grandmother, but my grandfather's family is that way too...and so is my mom.
So this Thanksgiving held some precious memories for me. I said good bye to my Grumpster this morning. He held my hand and said he loved me. That is a memory I will treasure always. I pray you stored up some precious memories too and that you are part of a family that looses the in law status!
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We just got home from Thanksgiving and a Funeral. My grandfather lives in Alabama and we go there for Thanksgiving. (I skip out sometimes bc the trip is FOREVER) This is probably our last Thanksgiving with Grump. His body is giving up. Today we went to the funeral of my mom's uncle, my grandfather's brother-in-law, Edsel. I think I met him twice, but while sitting in his funeral today I realized I would soon be sitting here for my grandfather and I hate that. The minister today said something that made a impact on me... (well 2 things)
1. He is absent on earth, but present with the Father.
Oh to be present with our Father!!!
2. In this family, you loose the "in law" status real quick and you are just family.
That is so true of the Frenches! I used to think it was only from my grandmother, but my grandfather's family is that way too...and so is my mom.
So this Thanksgiving held some precious memories for me. I said good bye to my Grumpster this morning. He held my hand and said he loved me. That is a memory I will treasure always. I pray you stored up some precious memories too and that you are part of a family that looses the in law status!
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Sunday, November 4, 2012
Day 7
Today I am thankful for music!! I love to sing, I am horrible at singing, but I love it! Today I am thankful for the songs that speak the words your soul cannot express, for songs that connect you to God in a way that spoken words cannot, and for those who are gifted to sing.
Here are a few of my favorite songs, I hope you enjoy them!
I can't find a video for this one, but the words are so, so amazing
Inside Out
In the heart of me
There's a mystery
In my weakness there is still
A goodness not my own
That comes from God alone
But it cannot be known until
You turn me inside out
So that I can be
A reflection of the One who made me
So the world can see
That it's Christ in me Lord,
Turn me inside out
Turn me inside out
What my pride conceals
Lord, Your truth reveals
And Your grace is seen somehow
There is mercy when,
In spite of who I've been,
Your glory dwells within me now
Whatever else you see
The only good in me
Is Jesus, Jesus
Whatever else you see
The only good in me
Is Jesus, Jesus
Here are a few of my favorite songs, I hope you enjoy them!
Inside Out
In the heart of me
There's a mystery
In my weakness there is still
A goodness not my own
That comes from God alone
But it cannot be known until
You turn me inside out
So that I can be
A reflection of the One who made me
So the world can see
That it's Christ in me Lord,
Turn me inside out
Turn me inside out
What my pride conceals
Lord, Your truth reveals
And Your grace is seen somehow
There is mercy when,
In spite of who I've been,
Your glory dwells within me now
Whatever else you see
The only good in me
Is Jesus, Jesus
Whatever else you see
The only good in me
Is Jesus, Jesus
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Day 6
Today I am grateful for my sister, Carrie Lemm Baehr, and how much she loves my little boy! I don't know that she could love him more if he were her own. I couldn't ask for a better sister and Cal couldn't ask for a better aunt!
Day 5
Today I am thankful for Mrs. Wood! There are some people on earth that are just nicer than most and Mrs. Wood is one of them! She was my middle school math teacher and now is my favorite person to work with! I simply could not face my job every day without her and Rosie loves her dog biscuits too!! :) Every day when I get to work I get to see her and discuss what we can try to learn/solve/do that day and there is no one I would rather spend my work day with!!
Day 4
November 1- 9 years ago today I was starting my first full day of bed rest. I had just been told "I'll see you when the baby is born" and I was lost as to what I was going to do without being able to work. Today I am grateful for time passing and progress! God is so good and has had his hand on my plans every day of my life. I am so thankful for the progress HE has provided for me!
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost
Day 3
I am late in posting, but on Day 3 I am thankful for making childhood memories as an adult! I have always loved Halloween, but we never did much with it that I remember. I know we went to the church Fall Festival but I don't remember trick or treating ever. Last year I got to have "door duty" for the first time and loved it!!! I got to do it again this year and things like that always remind me: it's not to late to do what you've never done before!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Day 2
Today I am thankful for peaceful mornings and lunches with my mom.
I am not a morning person...I'm not much of an afternoon person but I am really not a morning person! Cal is also not much of a morning person unless he gets to wake himself up...which never happens on a school day. Today he woke up happy and things go so much better when that happens.
I eat lunch with my mom almost every day. Today we watched a tiny ant drag a giant crumb across the parking lot, and it was nice to just get to sit and be with my mom. I am blessed to have her in my life, even when she drives me crazy!
I am not a morning person...I'm not much of an afternoon person but I am really not a morning person! Cal is also not much of a morning person unless he gets to wake himself up...which never happens on a school day. Today he woke up happy and things go so much better when that happens.
I eat lunch with my mom almost every day. Today we watched a tiny ant drag a giant crumb across the parking lot, and it was nice to just get to sit and be with my mom. I am blessed to have her in my life, even when she drives me crazy!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Day 1 and a look back
Day 1 of Thankfulness...
Today I am thankful for cool nights and friends around the fire!
Cool nights always remind me that in everything, God has a plan. He brings the end to the summer, just as He will one day bring the end to winter and both will be at just the right time! Having friends around the fire means so much more to me than just having people over. My life is very segmented and when I find people that I allow to float between the segments, it's great!!!
Here is a look back at the things I was thankful for last year...
Day 1 -
Today I am thankful for cool nights and friends around the fire!
Cool nights always remind me that in everything, God has a plan. He brings the end to the summer, just as He will one day bring the end to winter and both will be at just the right time! Having friends around the fire means so much more to me than just having people over. My life is very segmented and when I find people that I allow to float between the segments, it's great!!!
Here is a look back at the things I was thankful for last year...
Day 1 -
Today I am thankful for beautiful weather, a family that always loves me, and a little boy who "shouldn't be alive""
Day 2-
Today I am thankful that the sty is my eye is nothing serious, for a little boy who got cold in the night and came to check "onto" me, and that my family taught me to enjoy the simple life!
Day 3-
Today I am thankful for the ups and downs in life, lessons learned, and grace that covers us every day.
Day 4-
On day (almost) 4, I am grateful for the family I was given and the family I have chosen, for the people who love Cal whole heartedly despite being no relation, and a sister who is loyal to a fault and who has and will stand by me through anything.
Day 5-
Today I am thankful for my mom who can accept the person without accepting the behavior, who taught me there's more to life than money, and who became a stand in parent for so many kids and made an impact in lives she may never know about with little thanks because she knows her reward is in heaven. I am so blessed to have her!!
Day 6-
Today I am thankful for time well spent...time with my grandmother before she died, time with my uncle Chris in Orange Beach when we both needed a break, and time with Cal as he grows up. Before we know it the people we love most are gone or grown up. I never want to say "I wish I had said..."
Day 7-
Today I am thankful for medication, a house that is welcoming to everyone (well almost), and memories.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
7 days of Thanks
Last year I decided to do "7 days of thanks" to refocus myself on the positive things in my life. My life is full of amazing blessings, but sometimes it is easy to flounder in the daily irritants and give in to being grumpy. So today I am restarting my 7 days of thanks! Feel free to join me! Here are the rules...(of course I have rules!)
1. No Sunday school answers. We're all grateful we woke up this morning, think a little harder.
2. No repeats
3. If it's a person you are thankful for you must tell them.
4. Make a point to hold on to your blessings a little tighter.
5. List your "thanks" in the morning
1. No Sunday school answers. We're all grateful we woke up this morning, think a little harder.
2. No repeats
3. If it's a person you are thankful for you must tell them.
4. Make a point to hold on to your blessings a little tighter.
5. List your "thanks" in the morning
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Are You Talking To Me?
I have never believed that God speaks to us in the ways of the old testament. Today's lesson was about Samuel and how God called his name and stood and spoke to him. How amazing would that be? I don't think God talks to us like that anymore, but I do believe he still talks to us. I believe he calls us to do things and leads us to things in the quiet moments when we are still enough to listen...rare for me! Yesterday, when I woke up it was on my mind that I needed to tell someone I had been praying for them. We haven't exactly been "on the same page" lately but I knew it was something I was "supposed" to do. So often when God tells me to do things I answer with "fiiiiiine" which is not the best attitude. So grumbling about it not making a difference I sent the text. It made a difference.
I have really been struggling with the ten year anniversary of my grandmothers death. There are still days when I think she will call. Yesterday, I went to the book store with my mom and in the historical fiction section (one of my favorites) I saw a book called "one more day" by Mitch Albom. It is not historical fiction. I could never bring myself to read "the five people you meet in heaven" but I have heard it was good. I looked at this book and just stood there. I have been asking, pleading really, for just one more day and now here is this book...fiiiiiine. I finished the book this afternoon. It was a great story of love, family and loss. Because I am trying to process rather than hide from things, here is why I want one more day....
After high school I went to live with my grandmother who had a brain tumor. She was, according to doctors, dying. I could not/would not accept this and in my 17 year old brain thought I could fix things. A week after I arrived, she went to the hospital. There were good days and bad days, funny moments and excruciating moments, sleepless nights and sleepy days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I watched her sign her will, plan her funeral, and decide how she would die. When she got home from the hospital she made me promise not to take her back, to let her stay at home as long as she could but to die at Grace Home so her house would always be a happy place. The day my grandmother went to hospice, my aunt told her she was going to the hospital. In the ambulance, she held my hand and said "you promised, you promised" and the betrayal in her eyes was almost unbearable. No matter how I tried to explain she never did believe me. Those were the last words she said to me, I can still hear them whenever I let someone down. I do not know what I would do with one more day. I want her to see Cal, to see Carrie with the man of her dreams, to know that I kept my promise. I see her in my dreams and rarely I hear her. So maybe I won't get one more day, maybe I will...either way in the stillness of the book store when I let myself just be, these are the times when God can move me and show up to give comfort. He is always there, I just have to be still enough to hear him.
I hope you find time today to be still and let God speak to you in the stillness. Because, yes, He is talking to you and to me!
I have really been struggling with the ten year anniversary of my grandmothers death. There are still days when I think she will call. Yesterday, I went to the book store with my mom and in the historical fiction section (one of my favorites) I saw a book called "one more day" by Mitch Albom. It is not historical fiction. I could never bring myself to read "the five people you meet in heaven" but I have heard it was good. I looked at this book and just stood there. I have been asking, pleading really, for just one more day and now here is this book...fiiiiiine. I finished the book this afternoon. It was a great story of love, family and loss. Because I am trying to process rather than hide from things, here is why I want one more day....
After high school I went to live with my grandmother who had a brain tumor. She was, according to doctors, dying. I could not/would not accept this and in my 17 year old brain thought I could fix things. A week after I arrived, she went to the hospital. There were good days and bad days, funny moments and excruciating moments, sleepless nights and sleepy days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I watched her sign her will, plan her funeral, and decide how she would die. When she got home from the hospital she made me promise not to take her back, to let her stay at home as long as she could but to die at Grace Home so her house would always be a happy place. The day my grandmother went to hospice, my aunt told her she was going to the hospital. In the ambulance, she held my hand and said "you promised, you promised" and the betrayal in her eyes was almost unbearable. No matter how I tried to explain she never did believe me. Those were the last words she said to me, I can still hear them whenever I let someone down. I do not know what I would do with one more day. I want her to see Cal, to see Carrie with the man of her dreams, to know that I kept my promise. I see her in my dreams and rarely I hear her. So maybe I won't get one more day, maybe I will...either way in the stillness of the book store when I let myself just be, these are the times when God can move me and show up to give comfort. He is always there, I just have to be still enough to hear him.
I hope you find time today to be still and let God speak to you in the stillness. Because, yes, He is talking to you and to me!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Rain, rain go away...
"Rain, rain go away. Come again some other day". Even as a kid this rhyme struck me as odd. Why would you want the rain to come another day? Isn't that just asking bad stuff to come back to visit? (I love rain, but it's figurative, people, keep up!)
So I didn't finish the "30 days of me" because, as usual, I got bored. I don't finish a lot of things because I get bored....it's a pretty bad habit. Recently, I've learned there are several things I need to work on...
1. I need to figure out what I want from life. My life may not be planned by me, but drifting without a goal can cause me to hurt others unintentionally.
2. I need to get it through my head that not everyone is going to hurt you, lie to you, betray you, or leave you alone.
3. I am not, despite my hopes, the controller of all things. Sometimes I have to hand the control to someone else and trust them.
4. Some people really do care, even about me, and it is incredibly unkind of me not to trust them when they have given me no reason not to.
5. Love, even thinking about it, is petrifying to me. There is something wrong with that. Letting that continue only let's someone else continue to steal the joy from my life. Go away joy stealer!!
6. I am not perfect. I am not all that outgoing. I can be grumpy and hard to get along with. I will never be the most beautiful or the life of the party, but there are people out there that will love me anyways, if only I will let them.
7. Words don't come easy to me. I prefer to write, but sometimes people need to hear the things that I am thinking in the moment. Sometimes the most honest thing I can do is tell people how I feel right then...even if it doesn't flow and I miss a few things.
I quite possibly gave up one of the greatest things in my life recently because I don't trust people. I let fear cause me to be...well...stupid. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to hand over control, but I want to or at the very least I want to learn. I am so sorry my sweet friend, please come back another day, but if you don't rain, rain go away and feel free not to come another day.
So I didn't finish the "30 days of me" because, as usual, I got bored. I don't finish a lot of things because I get bored....it's a pretty bad habit. Recently, I've learned there are several things I need to work on...
1. I need to figure out what I want from life. My life may not be planned by me, but drifting without a goal can cause me to hurt others unintentionally.
2. I need to get it through my head that not everyone is going to hurt you, lie to you, betray you, or leave you alone.
3. I am not, despite my hopes, the controller of all things. Sometimes I have to hand the control to someone else and trust them.
4. Some people really do care, even about me, and it is incredibly unkind of me not to trust them when they have given me no reason not to.
5. Love, even thinking about it, is petrifying to me. There is something wrong with that. Letting that continue only let's someone else continue to steal the joy from my life. Go away joy stealer!!
6. I am not perfect. I am not all that outgoing. I can be grumpy and hard to get along with. I will never be the most beautiful or the life of the party, but there are people out there that will love me anyways, if only I will let them.
7. Words don't come easy to me. I prefer to write, but sometimes people need to hear the things that I am thinking in the moment. Sometimes the most honest thing I can do is tell people how I feel right then...even if it doesn't flow and I miss a few things.
I quite possibly gave up one of the greatest things in my life recently because I don't trust people. I let fear cause me to be...well...stupid. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to hand over control, but I want to or at the very least I want to learn. I am so sorry my sweet friend, please come back another day, but if you don't rain, rain go away and feel free not to come another day.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Daughter of my Heart
When I was prego with Cal I thought I wanted a little girl. I had a name and everything...Savannah Jeanne. Amazing right?!? Then Cal was a boy so that was that. Once Cal was born, I knew, almost instantly, I would never have another baby. The little girl that I thought I wanted would never be, and that was ok. I hear girls are more trouble anyways. :)
A daughter of my own wasn't in the plan, but 13 years ago I got the honor and privilege of taking on someone else's daughter. I got to watch her grow and mature. I got to help guide her in life and watch a chubby little girl blossom into a beautiful young lady. I held her when life was hard and did my best to explain the hurt she felt from decisions she had no part in. She was the daughter of my heart, but she was never mine to keep. She was only mine to borrow and I am so grateful for the time I got to spend "raising" my little neighbor girl. I miss her terribly as life has taken her down a different road. She will always be my little girl and the daughter of my heart.
I love you my sweet girl and I pray life brings you all the happiness you are searching for...
A daughter of my own wasn't in the plan, but 13 years ago I got the honor and privilege of taking on someone else's daughter. I got to watch her grow and mature. I got to help guide her in life and watch a chubby little girl blossom into a beautiful young lady. I held her when life was hard and did my best to explain the hurt she felt from decisions she had no part in. She was the daughter of my heart, but she was never mine to keep. She was only mine to borrow and I am so grateful for the time I got to spend "raising" my little neighbor girl. I miss her terribly as life has taken her down a different road. She will always be my little girl and the daughter of my heart.
I love you my sweet girl and I pray life brings you all the happiness you are searching for...
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Day 20
Day 20
Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
The day my sister has been waiting for....wait no longer! I could take the easy way out here and say I see myself being with Cal in the future...but I won't.
I can't give a specific answer on who I'm going to marry or be with in the future, but I can tell you what I want them to be like.... I want to be with a person who understands that I think separate bedrooms is a great idea and doesn't think I'm crazy for it. I want to be with a person who knows I am either attached or not, in it to win it or not playing, totally in love or not even slightly interested and not take advantage of that. I want someone who is honest and kind. I want someone who makes me laugh and laughs at me too. He will understand that my family may be a little cooky, but they are mine and always will be. He will know that I love to organize parties, but hate to be in crowds. Whoever I am with in the future will understand that there are lots of opposites about me, but I can be and want to be that soft place to fall for people, the person that holds a family together and that makes a house a home. He will know that I will not agree to obey them, and most likely won't change my name, and they will appreciate driving vacations rather than huge grand once in a lifetime never to be repeated ones...So do I have a specific person in mind to marry? Not so much...but I've got some good ideas...oh and my mom has always said it's important to marry someone who makes you laugh and is a good kisser. :)
Not what you were hoping for now was it sister?! :) For more specifics, here is my list of non negotiables...
Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
The day my sister has been waiting for....wait no longer! I could take the easy way out here and say I see myself being with Cal in the future...but I won't.
I can't give a specific answer on who I'm going to marry or be with in the future, but I can tell you what I want them to be like.... I want to be with a person who understands that I think separate bedrooms is a great idea and doesn't think I'm crazy for it. I want to be with a person who knows I am either attached or not, in it to win it or not playing, totally in love or not even slightly interested and not take advantage of that. I want someone who is honest and kind. I want someone who makes me laugh and laughs at me too. He will understand that my family may be a little cooky, but they are mine and always will be. He will know that I love to organize parties, but hate to be in crowds. Whoever I am with in the future will understand that there are lots of opposites about me, but I can be and want to be that soft place to fall for people, the person that holds a family together and that makes a house a home. He will know that I will not agree to obey them, and most likely won't change my name, and they will appreciate driving vacations rather than huge grand once in a lifetime never to be repeated ones...So do I have a specific person in mind to marry? Not so much...but I've got some good ideas...oh and my mom has always said it's important to marry someone who makes you laugh and is a good kisser. :)
Not what you were hoping for now was it sister?! :) For more specifics, here is my list of non negotiables...
1 Looks at you not past you
2 Keeps in contact with family
3 Makes me see things differently
4 Is funny
5 Tells good stories
6 Has good hands
7 Loves music
8 Is a good hugger
9 Loves kids
10 Plays with my hair
11 Doesn’t let me get everything I want
12 Tells me the truth even when I don’t like it
13 Is a good kisser!
Day 17-19
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Hmmmm....I'm not sure who I would switch lives with, maybe the president, but probably not. Really the only person I can think of to change lives with would be the one person whose choices I can never understand, but I wouldn't want him anywhere near my life. I want to know why. I want to know how. I want to know all the reasons that are behind the decisions that another person can make that changes the lives of so many while they go on seemingly uncaring. Or I could totally be Reba!! :)
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
I plan and dream to be the best mom ever. There was a time that I thought being a stay at home mom would be amazing, maybe if my child wasn't my clone that would be true....
I plan to have my own home that is welcoming and home to others even when they are not family.
I plan to get a different car because 16.7 miles per gallon is totally unacceptable!!
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Snorticus/Snorty/Snortny - my mom's family call me this, then Carrie turned it into Snorticus.
Universe - Jill started calling me this when she and Carrie were in college. She was the world and I was the universe.
CoCo - Another Jill creation, although some of the seniors from last year called me this too.
CourtyBee- My grandpa has called me this as long as I can remember.
Courts - Pretty much only my uncle Mike calls me this bc I call him Uncs.
Hmmmm....I'm not sure who I would switch lives with, maybe the president, but probably not. Really the only person I can think of to change lives with would be the one person whose choices I can never understand, but I wouldn't want him anywhere near my life. I want to know why. I want to know how. I want to know all the reasons that are behind the decisions that another person can make that changes the lives of so many while they go on seemingly uncaring. Or I could totally be Reba!! :)
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
I plan and dream to be the best mom ever. There was a time that I thought being a stay at home mom would be amazing, maybe if my child wasn't my clone that would be true....
I plan to have my own home that is welcoming and home to others even when they are not family.
I plan to get a different car because 16.7 miles per gallon is totally unacceptable!!
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Snorticus/Snorty/Snortny - my mom's family call me this, then Carrie turned it into Snorticus.
Universe - Jill started calling me this when she and Carrie were in college. She was the world and I was the universe.
CoCo - Another Jill creation, although some of the seniors from last year called me this too.
CourtyBee- My grandpa has called me this as long as I can remember.
Courts - Pretty much only my uncle Mike calls me this bc I call him Uncs.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Day 14-16
Day 14 - a picture of your family
Day 15 - first 10 songs to play on your iPod
Well I don't have an iPod but I have pandora on my phone and according to my mom it plays 24/7. This is not exactly accurate, but close. I love music. I also love to sing but it's really not one of my gifts :)
1. Back in Time
2. Upside down
3. The Best Day (one of my favorites!)
4. Dont You Wanna Stay
5. If This Was a Movie
6. Two is Better Than One
7. Yellow
8. All Around the World
9. Call Me Maybe
10. The Joker
Day 16 - another picture of yourself
Day 15 - first 10 songs to play on your iPod
Well I don't have an iPod but I have pandora on my phone and according to my mom it plays 24/7. This is not exactly accurate, but close. I love music. I also love to sing but it's really not one of my gifts :)
1. Back in Time
2. Upside down
3. The Best Day (one of my favorites!)
4. Dont You Wanna Stay
5. If This Was a Movie
6. Two is Better Than One
7. Yellow
8. All Around the World
9. Call Me Maybe
10. The Joker
Day 16 - another picture of yourself
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Day 13
Day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Oh my...well here goes nothing
You will never know how much I care about you. Partially because I can't find the words and partially because you are too focused on other things to find out. Do you know that you are in my thoughts most of the day, that I worry about the things that you worry about, that I hurt for you when you hurt? Do you know I would do almost anything to keep you safe and happy? It makes me angry to see what you have to deal with, but choices were made that I cannot change and even so I will love you anyways. I have never missed anyone in my life the way I miss you. I miss your smile, your hugs, the quiet times when it's ok to just sit and "be." I miss the companionship and laughter. I miss my friend. Your words and actions are like a slap in the face, but I will love you anyways because it's the only thing I know to do. I will love you through this and anything that comes after, even if that means I have to love you from afar or through the hurt. I will always, always love you anyways.
Oh my...well here goes nothing
You will never know how much I care about you. Partially because I can't find the words and partially because you are too focused on other things to find out. Do you know that you are in my thoughts most of the day, that I worry about the things that you worry about, that I hurt for you when you hurt? Do you know I would do almost anything to keep you safe and happy? It makes me angry to see what you have to deal with, but choices were made that I cannot change and even so I will love you anyways. I have never missed anyone in my life the way I miss you. I miss your smile, your hugs, the quiet times when it's ok to just sit and "be." I miss the companionship and laughter. I miss my friend. Your words and actions are like a slap in the face, but I will love you anyways because it's the only thing I know to do. I will love you through this and anything that comes after, even if that means I have to love you from afar or through the hurt. I will always, always love you anyways.
Days 6-12
Day 6- favorite superhero
Hmmm....super heroes have never really been my thing (seems to run in the family), but I guess I would choose Piper from Charmed. Is she a superhero?? I don't know but I love that show and her! She keeps her family together and fights evil all at the same time.
Day 7- a picture of someone who has had the biggest impact on you.
Well that's an easy one....Cal! Cal has changed my life in every way possible. He has taught me lessons, changed the way I think and made me a mom. What could have a greater impact than that??
Day 8- short term goals for this month
PASS
Day 9- something you're proud of in the last few days
I am proud that I am really learning to become the kind of friend that not only listens but shares, too. I am proud that I am really pushing myself to trust others more and that I am trying to create a balance in my life between work, Cal and me time.
Day 10- songs I listen to when hyped, mad, sad, happy, bored
Hyped- I'm not sure what that even means
Mad- Rockstar
Sad- Hard Candy Christmas
Happy- Taylor Swift Pandora
Bored- Hold Me or Good Morning
Day 11- another picture of you and your friends
How many friends can one person have??
Day 12- how you found out about blogging and why you made one.
My sister told me about blogging and I blog because I have a lot to say and I love to write. Kelly Stewart-Porter was my 10th grade English teacher and she taught me that you don't have to write according to a formula to be a good writer. She was one of the greatest teachers ever!! Anyways writing this blog lets me say what I have to say and if people read it they do and if not that's ok too!
Hmmm....super heroes have never really been my thing (seems to run in the family), but I guess I would choose Piper from Charmed. Is she a superhero?? I don't know but I love that show and her! She keeps her family together and fights evil all at the same time.
Day 7- a picture of someone who has had the biggest impact on you.
Well that's an easy one....Cal! Cal has changed my life in every way possible. He has taught me lessons, changed the way I think and made me a mom. What could have a greater impact than that??
Day 8- short term goals for this month
PASS
Day 9- something you're proud of in the last few days
I am proud that I am really learning to become the kind of friend that not only listens but shares, too. I am proud that I am really pushing myself to trust others more and that I am trying to create a balance in my life between work, Cal and me time.
Day 10- songs I listen to when hyped, mad, sad, happy, bored
Hyped- I'm not sure what that even means
Mad- Rockstar
Sad- Hard Candy Christmas
Happy- Taylor Swift Pandora
Bored- Hold Me or Good Morning
Day 11- another picture of you and your friends
How many friends can one person have??
Day 12- how you found out about blogging and why you made one.
My sister told me about blogging and I blog because I have a lot to say and I love to write. Kelly Stewart-Porter was my 10th grade English teacher and she taught me that you don't have to write according to a formula to be a good writer. She was one of the greatest teachers ever!! Anyways writing this blog lets me say what I have to say and if people read it they do and if not that's ok too!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Day 5
A picture of somewhere you have been
This is a picture of Lake Ouachita, but it is representative of all of Arkansas. I love the mountains, rivers, lakes and parks of Arkansas. I love the slower way of life and that we can get there relatively easily! Cal has some of his greatest adventures there and I have some great memories of just mommy and Cal time!
This is a picture of Lake Ouachita, but it is representative of all of Arkansas. I love the mountains, rivers, lakes and parks of Arkansas. I love the slower way of life and that we can get there relatively easily! Cal has some of his greatest adventures there and I have some great memories of just mommy and Cal time!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Day 4
A habit I wish I didn't have...
Hmmmm....I wish I didn't obsess over things. It is a terrible habit that I have. One little comment and I can read a whole novel into it. So that is the habit I wish I didn't have....there are plenty of others, but that's a big one!!
Hmmmm....I wish I didn't obsess over things. It is a terrible habit that I have. One little comment and I can read a whole novel into it. So that is the habit I wish I didn't have....there are plenty of others, but that's a big one!!
Day 3
A picture of me and my friends.
Well I am pretty serious about limiting the people involved in my life so here are a few of my closest friends...
Carrie and Angelina! Lisa was sick that day, but she should be there too!!
Happy Day 3!
Well I am pretty serious about limiting the people involved in my life so here are a few of my closest friends...
Carrie and Angelina! Lisa was sick that day, but she should be there too!!
Happy Day 3!
Hen, Ben and Lin
I have only two cousins on my mom's side of the family. Frank is a rock star (literally) in New York City and Lindsey is a teacher in Shreveport. She has two little boys, Bennett and Henry. I got to meet Henry for the first time last weekend and he is almost one! He is a precious baby boy and so huggable! Bennett is a busy 3 year old and was giving people titles. He told mom she could be a princess and mom said she was the queen. Bennett said "you are noooot". It was great to see and meet my family! I love them and Cal and Bennett are so sweet together! Cal loves to play with children that are younger than him! Here are a few pictures of Hen, Ben and Lin:
Friday, July 20, 2012
Day 2
The meaning behind my blog name....
Well it's pretty simple...my sister came up with it. ;) I wanted to name it "just a boy and his mom" but that was taken. Cal and I go lots of places and for as long as I can remember my parents have said "it's time to hit the trail" every time we go on vacation.
So that's that...happy trails to you!
Well it's pretty simple...my sister came up with it. ;) I wanted to name it "just a boy and his mom" but that was taken. Cal and I go lots of places and for as long as I can remember my parents have said "it's time to hit the trail" every time we go on vacation.
So that's that...happy trails to you!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Day 1
Day one day one God made light when there was none... Oh wait wrong topic. Day one...15 facts about me
1. I LOVE to make lists. I have lists for everything...qualities in people, goals to achieve, projects to try....facts about myself :)
2. I am a planner. This goes along with #1. I get very frustrated when things do not go according to the plans I have made in my head.
3. I look forward to birthdays because then I am 20 years older than Cal and I feel like people look down on me less for those few months.
4. I am a Certified First Responder in the state of Louisiana.
5. I worked on a drug rehab unit for a year and absolutely loved it!
6. I was on the Dean's List my first semester of college and emailed the certificate to my high school English teacher who told me I would never make it in the real world.
7. There are some parts of my life that I have never shared with another person and I plan to keep it that way.
8. My friend Jill started calling me Auntie CoCo while teasing Carrie one day. At first I hated it but Carrie says her potential future children can't call me Lovely so now I'm going with Auntie CoCo.
9. I love, love, love babies....especially when I get to send them home with someone else!
10. I don't have a middle name and felt kind of bad for giving Cal one. My mom and sister don't have middle names and used their maiden names as their middle names. If I ever get married I don't plan to change my last name. (that's 3 facts in one!!)
11. I got my ears pierced on my 18th birthday as a total act of defiance...I'm allergic to almost every kind of earring...serves me right I guess
12. I read the entire "Little House" series on the way to Colorado in the 6th grade. I have read it 4 times since and been to Laura Ingalls house twice. I love everything about it!!!
13. I can block out memories and totally convince myself they did not happen when I want to. I can also remember things in vivid detail.
14. I love animals except cows and horses...and any type of large water animal or reptile.
15. I have an entire fictional world in my head that I have had for as long as I can remember....it's weird I know, but it makes me happy.
So that's my 15 fact list. It's kind of fun to think about!! Happy listing my friends!!
1. I LOVE to make lists. I have lists for everything...qualities in people, goals to achieve, projects to try....facts about myself :)
2. I am a planner. This goes along with #1. I get very frustrated when things do not go according to the plans I have made in my head.
3. I look forward to birthdays because then I am 20 years older than Cal and I feel like people look down on me less for those few months.
4. I am a Certified First Responder in the state of Louisiana.
5. I worked on a drug rehab unit for a year and absolutely loved it!
6. I was on the Dean's List my first semester of college and emailed the certificate to my high school English teacher who told me I would never make it in the real world.
7. There are some parts of my life that I have never shared with another person and I plan to keep it that way.
8. My friend Jill started calling me Auntie CoCo while teasing Carrie one day. At first I hated it but Carrie says her potential future children can't call me Lovely so now I'm going with Auntie CoCo.
9. I love, love, love babies....especially when I get to send them home with someone else!
10. I don't have a middle name and felt kind of bad for giving Cal one. My mom and sister don't have middle names and used their maiden names as their middle names. If I ever get married I don't plan to change my last name. (that's 3 facts in one!!)
11. I got my ears pierced on my 18th birthday as a total act of defiance...I'm allergic to almost every kind of earring...serves me right I guess
12. I read the entire "Little House" series on the way to Colorado in the 6th grade. I have read it 4 times since and been to Laura Ingalls house twice. I love everything about it!!!
13. I can block out memories and totally convince myself they did not happen when I want to. I can also remember things in vivid detail.
14. I love animals except cows and horses...and any type of large water animal or reptile.
15. I have an entire fictional world in my head that I have had for as long as I can remember....it's weird I know, but it makes me happy.
So that's my 15 fact list. It's kind of fun to think about!! Happy listing my friends!!
I guess I can try...
So my sister is doing this "30 Days of Me" challenge and I guess I will try it. I can promise you I will not do them all, but here are the original 30: (I have noted the ones I already choose to skip)
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog/site/user name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why (no thank you)
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about blogging and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently (too many tears)
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play (don't have an iPod)
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future (that's so funny)
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?
So here we go...30ish days of me and yes I will cheat and do some of these in one day. :)
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog/site/user name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why (no thank you)
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about blogging and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently (too many tears)
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play (don't have an iPod)
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future (that's so funny)
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?
So here we go...30ish days of me and yes I will cheat and do some of these in one day. :)
But are you safe?
It is amazing to me how quickly I forgot the intensely sick feeling I get when Cal is very sick. There is a complete loss of control and the fact that I truly cannot help my child some days really sinks in. I also forgot how many people surrounded us with love and prayers. I got so many texts, messages and comments asking how we were, were we home yet, is everything ok. It was great and I showed them all to Cal and his shiny sick boy eyes were happy!
I am a great person to be around in a crisis. I say this not to brag, but because many people wonder why I do not react. I don't really know, but I am pretty good at staying very, very calm in the midst of a scary or intense situation. After the crisis has passed and you are supposed to deal with what happened- not so good at that!! :) Last night I got a text from a friend "are you home yet?" Of course my answer was no and in typical non processing fashion I tried to change the subject. The next message was "But are you safe?" that almost broke the "no crying in front of the baby" rule. I am not sure why those 4 little words meant so much to me. Maybe because they saw through the subject change, or they meant someone else really cared, maybe I was just tired...
I am safe, we are loved, and I am so happy to be coming home today. Thank you all for your love and prayers. It is appreciated more than you can know and I'm starting to wonder if we should give up camping...
I am a great person to be around in a crisis. I say this not to brag, but because many people wonder why I do not react. I don't really know, but I am pretty good at staying very, very calm in the midst of a scary or intense situation. After the crisis has passed and you are supposed to deal with what happened- not so good at that!! :) Last night I got a text from a friend "are you home yet?" Of course my answer was no and in typical non processing fashion I tried to change the subject. The next message was "But are you safe?" that almost broke the "no crying in front of the baby" rule. I am not sure why those 4 little words meant so much to me. Maybe because they saw through the subject change, or they meant someone else really cared, maybe I was just tired...
I am safe, we are loved, and I am so happy to be coming home today. Thank you all for your love and prayers. It is appreciated more than you can know and I'm starting to wonder if we should give up camping...
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Who would you be?
Who would you be if you could be anybody or anything? Would you choose a different family, job, home? I'm not sure what I would choose, but growing up, like most people, I thought I would pick a different family if I could. I'm sure glad I couldn't!! Here's who I wouldn't be if I had traded families:
A people watcher- growing up I didn't quite fit in my family...they are all athletic and I am well...not. Because of that I went a lot of places that I had no interest in being and learned to watch and observe people to pass the time. I still love to people watch and add commentary to what I am watching.
An explorer- both of my grandmothers are independent souls. My granny taught me I could do anything I wanted to even if I was alone and a girl. My grandma told me stories of the Ozarks, Idaho and Washington. That combined to make me love to travel especially on my own in a car.
A history lover- my dad always watched PBS when I was growing up. I hated history shows, but he could make history sound so exciting and always taught me that part of what makes you who you are is where you came from.
A listener- my sister has always been a talker, this made me a listener. She never says exactly what she means though so I learned to listen to what she wasn't saying to understand what she really wanted me to know. I still love to listen to people tell their life stories and hear what they aren't saying but really feel.
A lover- my mom loves better than anyone I know...it makes me crazy sometimes, but she taught me to be faithful to friends (haven't always been good at that one), loyal to those I love and always a protector. I don't take on many people, but the people I love, I love as much as I know how. I have no middle ground...it's all in or all out.
That's who I wouldn't be...who would you be? More importantly, who will you choose to be? Tell the people in your life that made you who you are what they mean to you. We are only promised today. Happy Sunday, my friends! We are off to visit the Ozarks!
A people watcher- growing up I didn't quite fit in my family...they are all athletic and I am well...not. Because of that I went a lot of places that I had no interest in being and learned to watch and observe people to pass the time. I still love to people watch and add commentary to what I am watching.
An explorer- both of my grandmothers are independent souls. My granny taught me I could do anything I wanted to even if I was alone and a girl. My grandma told me stories of the Ozarks, Idaho and Washington. That combined to make me love to travel especially on my own in a car.
A history lover- my dad always watched PBS when I was growing up. I hated history shows, but he could make history sound so exciting and always taught me that part of what makes you who you are is where you came from.
A listener- my sister has always been a talker, this made me a listener. She never says exactly what she means though so I learned to listen to what she wasn't saying to understand what she really wanted me to know. I still love to listen to people tell their life stories and hear what they aren't saying but really feel.
A lover- my mom loves better than anyone I know...it makes me crazy sometimes, but she taught me to be faithful to friends (haven't always been good at that one), loyal to those I love and always a protector. I don't take on many people, but the people I love, I love as much as I know how. I have no middle ground...it's all in or all out.
That's who I wouldn't be...who would you be? More importantly, who will you choose to be? Tell the people in your life that made you who you are what they mean to you. We are only promised today. Happy Sunday, my friends! We are off to visit the Ozarks!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Year 27 in pictures...
27 has been a fun and exciting year! I can't wait to see what 28 has in store, but here are some of things we did in my 27th year...
My birthday last year
Cal and Lemm Sir built a tree house
Met Frank and band for lunch while they were on their tour.
Carrie moved into her new house and made it a home!
Learned that people can take your belongings, but can't take the memories that went with them.
Cal started the 2nd grade.
We completed another year of soccer.
After a particularly hard week at school, Cal and I went to Junction and learned that time away is just what you need some days. Missed a day of school, shed a few tears, and came home all the better.
Did some bird watching in West Texas.
Went on a trail ride in Livingston, where Cal convinced the trail guide to make the horses run. He was on cloud 9 and I screamed like a girl!
Won 2nd place at the Fall Festival Bake Off!
Adopted Madison into the "crew"
This tiny baby turned 8 years old!!
We spent Thanksgiving at Millwood State Park and made some great new friends!
Finally got to go to Historic Washington State Park!! AMAZING!
Hiked lots of miles with my mom during Christmas on the mountain.
Carved my first ham!
Learned that Cal and I are so much alike that sometimes it's best to just walk away.
Got a chainsaw and got it stuck on the first day!
Completed Basketball season at Upwards. Probably won't be doing that again! :)
Became even better friends with my sister.
Adopted Lisa in the "crew"
Learned how to make a homemade King Cake and turned one into a birthday cake!
Brought home a piece of family history - Granny's piano
Saw REBA!!!!!
Lake Catherine State Park with Cal.
Went on my first plane trip without family and first in the last 10+ years...and survived!
Hatched Butterflies!
Went to the beach and loved it!
I had big plans for my 27th year! Some things I completed, some I did not. In all things God was good and walked with us each step of the way. My cup runneth over, and after looking at all the great things we did this year my cup is pouring over!
The Blogger Robber
What's a Blogger Robber you say. A Blogger Robber looks like this...
Her name is Carrie Baehr. She is my sister and the queen of Blog Robbing. So what is it exactly? Every good picture I take is followed with "Hey send me that picture for my blog" Generally, I will then receive text messages to follow that up like "have you uploaded those pictures yet?" or "where are my pictures you took today?" While it is quite annoying to have a Blogger Robber for a sister...she has a few good qualities too. Since she is doing a top ten thing on her blog, I will give you the top ten reasons I love my Blogger Robber sister....
10. Her name is fun to say...Carrie Lemm Baehr (pronounced Bear).
9. She finds the perfect card for every occasion and always gives multiple ones because she can't choose.
8. She guards her family better than the government guards the Pentagon.
7. She picked a winner for a husband!
6. She wants her home to be a haven for others and works to achieve that goal.
5. She is an outstanding secret keeper.
4. She laughs at all of my jokes even though sometimes there is a delay.
3. She loves me no matter what!
2. We have the best talks together even if it's just on the phone.
1. She tries everyday to improve her walk with God. Even when things are hard she tries to find a way to bring it back to Him.
Be sure to tell the Blogger Robber in your life that you love them....even when they steal all your good pictures! :)
Her name is Carrie Baehr. She is my sister and the queen of Blog Robbing. So what is it exactly? Every good picture I take is followed with "Hey send me that picture for my blog" Generally, I will then receive text messages to follow that up like "have you uploaded those pictures yet?" or "where are my pictures you took today?" While it is quite annoying to have a Blogger Robber for a sister...she has a few good qualities too. Since she is doing a top ten thing on her blog, I will give you the top ten reasons I love my Blogger Robber sister....
10. Her name is fun to say...Carrie Lemm Baehr (pronounced Bear).
9. She finds the perfect card for every occasion and always gives multiple ones because she can't choose.
8. She guards her family better than the government guards the Pentagon.
7. She picked a winner for a husband!
6. She wants her home to be a haven for others and works to achieve that goal.
5. She is an outstanding secret keeper.
4. She laughs at all of my jokes even though sometimes there is a delay.
3. She loves me no matter what!
2. We have the best talks together even if it's just on the phone.
1. She tries everyday to improve her walk with God. Even when things are hard she tries to find a way to bring it back to Him.
Be sure to tell the Blogger Robber in your life that you love them....even when they steal all your good pictures! :)
Sunday, June 24, 2012
The Windshield vs The Bug
Some days you're the windshield and some days you're the bug....I'm not sure which I'd rather be, but today I feel like both.
Today is June 24, 2012. It is 4 days before my sister's birthday. It is a Sunday. I have a home, a family, and several very good friends. I went to see "Brave" with my mom and son today. Today should be a good day, but I feel like a bug meeting a windshield. I knew today was going to be iffy as soon as I woke up....I wanted to stay in bed. We went to church and sang "10,000 Reasons" (one of my favorite songs)...and still I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Today is 5 years since my uncle Chris died...that was a Sunday too.
After the movies I looked at my phone and told my mom "Let's see what's going on in the world of Facebook today." I rarely check the news feed on Facebook (call me a selfish Facebooker, it's ok), but today I did. I see a status update from my friend, Savannah, "Please pray for my mom, son and nephew." I see a comment from our friend, George, "???" Savannah responded, "Call me." Next to family, Janice Laurent is my favorite person in this world. I knew it wasn't good before I called, but after talking to Savannah, Janice's daughter, my assumed bad day got worse. Janice was driving to church with her three grandboys when her truck was T-boned. Janice and 2 boys were in the hospital, the third was life flighted to Shreveport. I dislike Sunday, June 24. I dislike phone calls with bad news. I dislike accidents. I really dislike emotions. I got a message from Janice tonight and all of the emotion of another bad June 24 hit full force....but God is good, and she would be the first to tell you that. Janice and her grandson, Kaden, are still in the hospital tonight. One grandson was released and Elijah is in ICU at LSU.
Today, while I went through a seemingly normal morning one of my very good friends was in a crisis. Five years ago as I sat around talking to my family my uncle lost his life. It is in these moments that I realize we cannot simply drift in life, we must live them, we must love in them, we must thrive in them. We were not put on earth to drift, but to live and to live with purpose.
I will be going home on Friday and there are bittersweet memories in that. I know that I am not equipped or ready to deal with hospitals right now, and I have done well to avoid them for years now, but my friend is in need and that is not something I will miss. Today, these songs are heavy on my mind....
The first is "Cryin' for Me" I cried and cried the first time I heard this song, because I actually called my Uncle Chris' phone several times after he died
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice I guess
Today is June 24, 2012. It is 4 days before my sister's birthday. It is a Sunday. I have a home, a family, and several very good friends. I went to see "Brave" with my mom and son today. Today should be a good day, but I feel like a bug meeting a windshield. I knew today was going to be iffy as soon as I woke up....I wanted to stay in bed. We went to church and sang "10,000 Reasons" (one of my favorite songs)...and still I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Today is 5 years since my uncle Chris died...that was a Sunday too.
After the movies I looked at my phone and told my mom "Let's see what's going on in the world of Facebook today." I rarely check the news feed on Facebook (call me a selfish Facebooker, it's ok), but today I did. I see a status update from my friend, Savannah, "Please pray for my mom, son and nephew." I see a comment from our friend, George, "???" Savannah responded, "Call me." Next to family, Janice Laurent is my favorite person in this world. I knew it wasn't good before I called, but after talking to Savannah, Janice's daughter, my assumed bad day got worse. Janice was driving to church with her three grandboys when her truck was T-boned. Janice and 2 boys were in the hospital, the third was life flighted to Shreveport. I dislike Sunday, June 24. I dislike phone calls with bad news. I dislike accidents. I really dislike emotions. I got a message from Janice tonight and all of the emotion of another bad June 24 hit full force....but God is good, and she would be the first to tell you that. Janice and her grandson, Kaden, are still in the hospital tonight. One grandson was released and Elijah is in ICU at LSU.
Today, while I went through a seemingly normal morning one of my very good friends was in a crisis. Five years ago as I sat around talking to my family my uncle lost his life. It is in these moments that I realize we cannot simply drift in life, we must live them, we must love in them, we must thrive in them. We were not put on earth to drift, but to live and to live with purpose.
I will be going home on Friday and there are bittersweet memories in that. I know that I am not equipped or ready to deal with hospitals right now, and I have done well to avoid them for years now, but my friend is in need and that is not something I will miss. Today, these songs are heavy on my mind....
The first is "Cryin' for Me" I cried and cried the first time I heard this song, because I actually called my Uncle Chris' phone several times after he died
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice I guess
The second is "Homesick" by Mercy Me...It describes so perfectly the feeling of being separated from people you love.
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I'd rather not be the windshield or the bug, but either way I know there are bad days. Always will be. But the good days, the memories, and the love we have for others is what we must cherish....so I will peel my little bug body of the windshield and get on with the thriving....but probably not today.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Lessons for Cal
There are so many things I want to teach Cal. Here are a few that are on my mind right now...
I want to teach him to be happy, not just when everything is going right, but even in the midst of trials I want him to know joy and contentedness. I want to show Cal that bad things happen. That people will hurt you. That life is scary. But it's ok to live life, to thrive in life, to enjoy life despite those things. Making new friends is a risk...they might use what they know of you against you, but people need people, and a good friend is worth the risk. Life is worth living even after the hurt. Not living life only allows the person who hurt you to continue controlling and hurting you...even when they live hundreds of miles away. I want to show him that sometimes the beginning is the ending and the ending is the beginning. For me, this is the beginning of my old life meeting my new life to make my best life.
I never want Cal to look back and say "My mom was too scared to try." I want Cal to always know that I was scared, but I lived life anyways. I want him to be able to say, even when I am gone, if my mom was here she would try, because it is in the trying that we discover so much.
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I want to teach him to be happy, not just when everything is going right, but even in the midst of trials I want him to know joy and contentedness. I want to show Cal that bad things happen. That people will hurt you. That life is scary. But it's ok to live life, to thrive in life, to enjoy life despite those things. Making new friends is a risk...they might use what they know of you against you, but people need people, and a good friend is worth the risk. Life is worth living even after the hurt. Not living life only allows the person who hurt you to continue controlling and hurting you...even when they live hundreds of miles away. I want to show him that sometimes the beginning is the ending and the ending is the beginning. For me, this is the beginning of my old life meeting my new life to make my best life.
I never want Cal to look back and say "My mom was too scared to try." I want Cal to always know that I was scared, but I lived life anyways. I want him to be able to say, even when I am gone, if my mom was here she would try, because it is in the trying that we discover so much.
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Wednesday, June 20, 2012
My Words for You
These are my words for you, my sweet Skunkle. I miss you every, every day!
This is what I said at Chris' funeral...
This is what I said at Chris' funeral...
To sum up Chris French would be nearly impossible. I'm not sure how he would describe himself, or what he would say about all of this, I hope he can see it all and see love-- The love we have for him and the love he showed each of us.
Who would have ever thought that this funny, vivacious man would be leaving us so soon? Chris lived in the moment. He went full speed and did things on a whim. If the thought crossed his mind that he wanted to go to out of town-- he went. What an example to live by. Leave regrets behind and just live for the day—it's all we really have.
Chris was just Chris a simple but complex man. I don't think any one of us knew the same exact Chris. He was something different to each of us, but something special to all of us. He had the amazing talent to be just what I needed when I needed it. As one of his friends said "life is not about who we are-- but the great works that we perform while we are here. Chris did a lot of great work on this earth. He helped a lot of people get their lives on track-- that was his calling in life." And that was his calling in life. With Chris you were who you were. Nothing more- nothing less.
Chris was a safety net and rock for so many of us, and I couldn't help but think while writing this… "I'll call Chris—he'll know what to say". I will miss calling him whenever I need something or just want to say hi.
Chris was an amazing friend! Many of us here today have lost our best friend.
We are here today to remember Chris, to mourn his death, but also to celebrate his life and the blessing it was! We remember all the fond memories, the funny times, the crazy and irritating times he made us all laugh. We remember the times when he rescued us, and times when we could have wrung his neck!
We remember his honesty.
He was loving and passionate, generous and kind, funny and talkative, charming and loveable. I wish he could have seen all of us here and know he led a life to be proud of-a life worth remembering
Just a few short years ago I sat in one of these front pews and listened as a charming, composed man told of the beauty, strength and grace of his mother. Today, I stand in place of that man and he in place of his mother. I hope you leave here with the image of Chris "large and in charge". Can you even imagine the uproar he caused in Heaven Sunday?
And as he once told me- hold your head up, put your shoulders back and go make an entrance. So today we will hold our heads high, pull our shoulders back and make an entrance into life with only memories of Chris. We will take with us the lessons he taught us—Play hard, Pray hard, keep your loved ones close, and never leave the house in a mismatched outfit!
Who would have ever thought that this funny, vivacious man would be leaving us so soon? Chris lived in the moment. He went full speed and did things on a whim. If the thought crossed his mind that he wanted to go to out of town-- he went. What an example to live by. Leave regrets behind and just live for the day—it's all we really have.
Chris was just Chris a simple but complex man. I don't think any one of us knew the same exact Chris. He was something different to each of us, but something special to all of us. He had the amazing talent to be just what I needed when I needed it. As one of his friends said "life is not about who we are-- but the great works that we perform while we are here. Chris did a lot of great work on this earth. He helped a lot of people get their lives on track-- that was his calling in life." And that was his calling in life. With Chris you were who you were. Nothing more- nothing less.
Chris was a safety net and rock for so many of us, and I couldn't help but think while writing this… "I'll call Chris—he'll know what to say". I will miss calling him whenever I need something or just want to say hi.
Chris was an amazing friend! Many of us here today have lost our best friend.
We are here today to remember Chris, to mourn his death, but also to celebrate his life and the blessing it was! We remember all the fond memories, the funny times, the crazy and irritating times he made us all laugh. We remember the times when he rescued us, and times when we could have wrung his neck!
We remember his honesty.
He was loving and passionate, generous and kind, funny and talkative, charming and loveable. I wish he could have seen all of us here and know he led a life to be proud of-a life worth remembering
Just a few short years ago I sat in one of these front pews and listened as a charming, composed man told of the beauty, strength and grace of his mother. Today, I stand in place of that man and he in place of his mother. I hope you leave here with the image of Chris "large and in charge". Can you even imagine the uproar he caused in Heaven Sunday?
And as he once told me- hold your head up, put your shoulders back and go make an entrance. So today we will hold our heads high, pull our shoulders back and make an entrance into life with only memories of Chris. We will take with us the lessons he taught us—Play hard, Pray hard, keep your loved ones close, and never leave the house in a mismatched outfit!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The day you went away...
It was 5 very long (and very short) years ago that Chris French left this world. I can remember that day like it just happened...I remember the phone ringing, I remember my mom saying "What do you mean he's gone," I remember sitting in my mom's bed shaking my head as if saying no would make it not true, I remember the almost unbearable sense of loss and loneliness that surrounded me in that moment. I could tell you so many things about the days that followed that phone call. I was so mad and lost. Chris was home to me. But to tell you of his death would do nothing to tell you of his life. Chris loved. He loved God, family, friends, and travel. Chris loved his kids and grand kids. He loved me.
So much more than an uncle, he was a friend and protector. Chris loved me with a fierceness I had never known. He loved me for who I was right then, not for who I could be or used to be. When he found out I was pregnant, I can still hear the words "no matter what stupid things you do I will always love you and God will love you more."
I spoke at Chris' funeral and people would ask "how can you do that" my answer is the same today as then...it was the very last thing I could do for a man who did so much for me. When you find that person who shows you that who and what you are in that exact moment, whether it's a mess or perfection, is OK...you can never repay them. He taught me so many lessons about love, but the greatest was, it isn't love if it's conditional.
So today I leave you with this...there are people in your life right now that if they never came home would leave a hole so large it could never be filled...tell them who they are and how you feel about them. We never know what the next phone call brings.
So much more than an uncle, he was a friend and protector. Chris loved me with a fierceness I had never known. He loved me for who I was right then, not for who I could be or used to be. When he found out I was pregnant, I can still hear the words "no matter what stupid things you do I will always love you and God will love you more."
I spoke at Chris' funeral and people would ask "how can you do that" my answer is the same today as then...it was the very last thing I could do for a man who did so much for me. When you find that person who shows you that who and what you are in that exact moment, whether it's a mess or perfection, is OK...you can never repay them. He taught me so many lessons about love, but the greatest was, it isn't love if it's conditional.
So today I leave you with this...there are people in your life right now that if they never came home would leave a hole so large it could never be filled...tell them who they are and how you feel about them. We never know what the next phone call brings.
I hate the beach...
I hate the beach. I have hated the beach as long as I can remember. I have had 4 beach experiences in my life and all but one has encouraged this hatred...
Experience 1- I was in early elementary school and we went to the beach. I am not sure where this was although I imagine it was in Alabama. I was stung by a jelly fish. I am pretty sure it was life threatening, but did we go home?!?! OH NO we did not. I could have lost a leg and no one really appreciated the experience.
Experience 2- Having successfully avoided the beach for many years, my uncle, Chris, decided we needed to "get away." So off we went to Orange Beach, Alabama. We had the beach to ourselves, the waves were beautiful, the breeze was lovely and there were all kinds of colored flags waving on the beach. There was only one other person on the beach and as the three of us basked in the beauty of having Orange Beach to ourselves, the man said "something keeps hitting my legs." SHARK!!! Yeah turns out those cute colored flags weren't decoration after all....I am pretty sure that was the beginning of my obsession with reading articles.
Experience 3- I went to Kemah with my grandparents and we were going to watch as the beginning signs of a hurricane came in. The wind was nice and the waves were beautiful to watch until one crashed into the wall we were standing on and I was soaked the whole way home.
I hate the beach.
Experience 4- Cal wanted to go to the beach and I gave in. I asked Carrie to go with us, but she was already going to Surfside with her friends Kayla and Omar. Thankfully, Kayla let us come visit for the day. We drove through quite a storm on the way there (Cal said there were funnel clouds) and I was thinking this was fitting to the beginning of what I knew would be an unsuccessful beach trip. When we got to Surfside, the weather was beautiful and we had a blast! Cal enjoyed playing on boogie boards and catching shrimp and crabs with Kayla's boys. Overall it was a great experience and shockingly, I would go back. Although I will need to wait a week or two since I am brighter than a stop sign right now.
So why go to the beach when I hate it so much? Cal was about 3 when I realized there are some things he will never get to do simply because his father isn't involved in his life. Father Son Campouts? NO Donuts with Dad? NO So I decided I would do everything I could to give him a good "boy life." We went camping for the first time during Christmas that year. Cal fishes, camps, play sports (because of my sister) and does all kinds of fabulous "boy things." I am determined that he will not miss out on those experiences. The beach is one of those things...I may not like it, but he won't miss out because of it. And this is what makes it all worth it...My little boy had the time of his little boy life and for a few hours was just a boy on the beach, not a boy without a dad on father's day weekend.
Experience 1- I was in early elementary school and we went to the beach. I am not sure where this was although I imagine it was in Alabama. I was stung by a jelly fish. I am pretty sure it was life threatening, but did we go home?!?! OH NO we did not. I could have lost a leg and no one really appreciated the experience.
Experience 2- Having successfully avoided the beach for many years, my uncle, Chris, decided we needed to "get away." So off we went to Orange Beach, Alabama. We had the beach to ourselves, the waves were beautiful, the breeze was lovely and there were all kinds of colored flags waving on the beach. There was only one other person on the beach and as the three of us basked in the beauty of having Orange Beach to ourselves, the man said "something keeps hitting my legs." SHARK!!! Yeah turns out those cute colored flags weren't decoration after all....I am pretty sure that was the beginning of my obsession with reading articles.
Experience 3- I went to Kemah with my grandparents and we were going to watch as the beginning signs of a hurricane came in. The wind was nice and the waves were beautiful to watch until one crashed into the wall we were standing on and I was soaked the whole way home.
I hate the beach.
Experience 4- Cal wanted to go to the beach and I gave in. I asked Carrie to go with us, but she was already going to Surfside with her friends Kayla and Omar. Thankfully, Kayla let us come visit for the day. We drove through quite a storm on the way there (Cal said there were funnel clouds) and I was thinking this was fitting to the beginning of what I knew would be an unsuccessful beach trip. When we got to Surfside, the weather was beautiful and we had a blast! Cal enjoyed playing on boogie boards and catching shrimp and crabs with Kayla's boys. Overall it was a great experience and shockingly, I would go back. Although I will need to wait a week or two since I am brighter than a stop sign right now.
So why go to the beach when I hate it so much? Cal was about 3 when I realized there are some things he will never get to do simply because his father isn't involved in his life. Father Son Campouts? NO Donuts with Dad? NO So I decided I would do everything I could to give him a good "boy life." We went camping for the first time during Christmas that year. Cal fishes, camps, play sports (because of my sister) and does all kinds of fabulous "boy things." I am determined that he will not miss out on those experiences. The beach is one of those things...I may not like it, but he won't miss out because of it. And this is what makes it all worth it...My little boy had the time of his little boy life and for a few hours was just a boy on the beach, not a boy without a dad on father's day weekend.
Just being a boy...
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Magic of We
We is an interesting word to me. It can mean so many things. Sometimes people say "We are going to do..." and they mean YOU are going to do it and I will act like I helped. Sometimes we means a group of people that don't really know each other but are all doing the same activity. But sometimes we takes on the magic it was designed for. For two small letters, WE has some powerful meaning....WE, a group of like minded people. WE, a group who stands together. WE, people who love each other. How powerful would the Constitution be if it started with "The people" oh but add the we and you can hear the unification of a group of people from different backgrounds, faiths, economics, regions, and families. WE, the people...but the magic of we to me is (as with most things) in the small moments. We, the Lemms. We, the Frenches.
Yesterday, someone said to me "We will figure it out" and in that moment it was magical to be part of a "we." I hope you find a "we" to be a part of today.
Yesterday, someone said to me "We will figure it out" and in that moment it was magical to be part of a "we." I hope you find a "we" to be a part of today.
Monday, June 4, 2012
When I grow up...
How many times have you asked or been asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" What was your answer? Did it change as you grew? Think about this quote from John Lennon,
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
Who do you think is right? My thought is neither. How about this answer: I want to be me when I grow up. I want to be who God designed me to be. Not who you think I should be or my teacher or my friends think I should be. I just want to be me. I want to be the person who absorbs all that is going on around them. I want to be the person who gets into other people's stories. I want to view nature as what it is- God's masterpiece. I want to be a light in the world, even if it's just my own little part. I want to love the person even if I don't love what they are doing. I want to forge my own path even when it's hard...because it is in the discovery of new things that we learn so much about ourselves. So when I grow up I want to be me. Whatever that may look like, I want to fulfill God's dreams for me not man's dreams for me. His purpose is so much more than mine and His goals are so much greater. People say shoot for the stars while God says "I created the stars." I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the one who made it all, and THAT is exactly what I want to be.
Monday, May 28, 2012
I want to be a Grandma
I want to be a Grandma...not like a grandmother but like the type of person who is like my grandma. You know those people who always have a perfect house and have just baked something wonderful no matter when you show up? Those people who are ok with you just showing up? I want to be one of those people. Both of my grandmothers were/are remarkable people. My mom's mom is gone now, but my dad's mom is still living and still pretty awesome!
My mom's mom, who we called Granny, was one of the kindest people I have ever known. She had limitations, don't get me wrong but for the most part she was nice to everyone. She taught me the value of learning and using someone's name, that when you judge people harshly it's normally what you end up doing yourself, and the art of hospitality. She taught my mom how to give a guilt trip better than anyone I know and she taught all of us that, above all, family sticks together. She may have hated what you were doing, but we always know she still loved us. She was one of the best living lessons on God hates the sin but not the sinner. Everyone knew the door at 263 Carrolton was open to all and there was always a pot of coffee for anyone who dropped by. I loved having holidays at Granny's because you never knew what new face would be there or what new story you would hear. You may never see that new person again but in that time and in that season they needed a family and we were it. There was always room in her life for new people. I want that for myself. I want to teach that lesson to Cal. People need people. This is something I struggle with because I dislike sharing my life and feelings with people, but it is a lesson I want to pass on to my son. I want him to always know that holidays are not sacred events that are for family only. I want him to know that what makes holidays truly worth celebrating are the "extras" and that sometimes those "extras" become a part of your family even more than those who are family by birth. Granny always taught us to be welcoming. She taught us to love despite what people may do or say and she taught us that sometimes to love someone you have to tell them the things they do not want to hear. I hope that one day I can be like her and love like her. I hope I can accept like her.
My dad's mom, she is Grandma, is also one of the kindest people I know, but in a totally different way. Grandma loves quietly. She sends birthday cards and gives people plants that she had extras of. More than anything she is incredibly strong! You will never see Grandma standing up in front of a group of people telling them what to do, but she has an iron will. She raised 6 kids and made a family. She has been married to the same man for 60+ years and did it knowing neither family was incredibly thrilled with the marriage. Grandma went to Washington to speak out against abortion, was an active member of the Republican party, and worked the voting polls for as long as I can remember. She can take random ingredients and make a meal. Grandma is someone I look up to for her silent strength, her ability use kind words all the time, and her amazing homeyness.
So how do these seemingly polar opposites combine? I do not know. They each have so many great qualities. They are both strong Southern women- one outspoken, the other quiet. They both know how to instill family values. The French family is all about communication while the Lemm's go months without speaking. They love so differently, but each family is led by a strong woman. One day I want to be that strong woman at the head of my family.
Happy Memorial Day!
My mom's mom, who we called Granny, was one of the kindest people I have ever known. She had limitations, don't get me wrong but for the most part she was nice to everyone. She taught me the value of learning and using someone's name, that when you judge people harshly it's normally what you end up doing yourself, and the art of hospitality. She taught my mom how to give a guilt trip better than anyone I know and she taught all of us that, above all, family sticks together. She may have hated what you were doing, but we always know she still loved us. She was one of the best living lessons on God hates the sin but not the sinner. Everyone knew the door at 263 Carrolton was open to all and there was always a pot of coffee for anyone who dropped by. I loved having holidays at Granny's because you never knew what new face would be there or what new story you would hear. You may never see that new person again but in that time and in that season they needed a family and we were it. There was always room in her life for new people. I want that for myself. I want to teach that lesson to Cal. People need people. This is something I struggle with because I dislike sharing my life and feelings with people, but it is a lesson I want to pass on to my son. I want him to always know that holidays are not sacred events that are for family only. I want him to know that what makes holidays truly worth celebrating are the "extras" and that sometimes those "extras" become a part of your family even more than those who are family by birth. Granny always taught us to be welcoming. She taught us to love despite what people may do or say and she taught us that sometimes to love someone you have to tell them the things they do not want to hear. I hope that one day I can be like her and love like her. I hope I can accept like her.
Granny and some of our "extra" family. The Lunch Bunch ladies have always been part of our lives
My dad's mom, she is Grandma, is also one of the kindest people I know, but in a totally different way. Grandma loves quietly. She sends birthday cards and gives people plants that she had extras of. More than anything she is incredibly strong! You will never see Grandma standing up in front of a group of people telling them what to do, but she has an iron will. She raised 6 kids and made a family. She has been married to the same man for 60+ years and did it knowing neither family was incredibly thrilled with the marriage. Grandma went to Washington to speak out against abortion, was an active member of the Republican party, and worked the voting polls for as long as I can remember. She can take random ingredients and make a meal. Grandma is someone I look up to for her silent strength, her ability use kind words all the time, and her amazing homeyness.
That's me and Grandma! Somedays I think we look alike.
So how do these seemingly polar opposites combine? I do not know. They each have so many great qualities. They are both strong Southern women- one outspoken, the other quiet. They both know how to instill family values. The French family is all about communication while the Lemm's go months without speaking. They love so differently, but each family is led by a strong woman. One day I want to be that strong woman at the head of my family.
Happy Memorial Day!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Road to Heroine
Oh get your mind out of the gutter! Not THAT kind of heroine...the female hero kind of heroine! My first semester of college English, we had to write a paper about the meaning of a hero. I was 17 then and wrote that to me a hero is an ordinary person who does extraordinary things. Heros aren't the people who do something huge, but someone who chooses to do small, good things every day. They are the people who show up in your time of need. They are the people who can keep a secret. They are the people who always have open arms no matter what has happened.
Have you ever met my mom? If so, you know she is not the average person. She is one of the kindest people around. My mom is one of those amazing people who is always there. She has coached and taught countless children and influenced their lives. She has dealt with parents who were involved and absent. Those that baby their children and those that don't know their children at all. She has loved the unloveable and taken the unathletic and made them a team. Randomly people will say "I just loved the cards your mom sent to me during (insert drama here)." She is the person who is there for the initial crisis and still there 2 weeks later when most people have moved on. My mom never forgets a birthday, even if her card is a few days (or weeks) late. My mom loves her family and no matter what stands by them. She is a wife, mother, sister, aunt and grandmother and she is the greatest at all of them.
Tomorrow is her birthday and it is a great day to celebrate a woman who has done so many great things with very little acclaim. I love my mommy and you should too! :) Happy Birthday, Mom!!
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Have you ever met my mom? If so, you know she is not the average person. She is one of the kindest people around. My mom is one of those amazing people who is always there. She has coached and taught countless children and influenced their lives. She has dealt with parents who were involved and absent. Those that baby their children and those that don't know their children at all. She has loved the unloveable and taken the unathletic and made them a team. Randomly people will say "I just loved the cards your mom sent to me during (insert drama here)." She is the person who is there for the initial crisis and still there 2 weeks later when most people have moved on. My mom never forgets a birthday, even if her card is a few days (or weeks) late. My mom loves her family and no matter what stands by them. She is a wife, mother, sister, aunt and grandmother and she is the greatest at all of them.
Tomorrow is her birthday and it is a great day to celebrate a woman who has done so many great things with very little acclaim. I love my mommy and you should too! :) Happy Birthday, Mom!!
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Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wherever you go, There you are
Wherever you go, there you are. Isn't that the most annoying statement you've ever heard? I thought so to until this year. When I was 16, my parents decided I needed to go see a counselor. Most of the sessions were completely pointless (I'm not bitter or anything) and on the last one she said "What you need to remember in life is wherever you go, there you are." That just made me mad. Now that I am a decade older it is starting to make sense.
When Cal was born, I was trying to deal with the fact that my grandmother had recently died. Then I was trying to figure out the whole "mom thing." Then Cal got sick. Not long after Cal started improving, my uncle, who was everything to me, died. It seemed like I was going from big event to big event and never really dealing with any of them. So in July of 2011, I turned 27 and I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be "me" again. I will turn 28 in 50 days. I haven't made any really huge changes, but I am working towards understanding that wherever I am, crisis or no, that's exactly where I am. More importantly, it's exactly where I am suppose to be. My path is not planned by me. Thankfully, it is planned by someone much smarter than me. He is a father, friend, shepherd, and master navigator. Where He leads me I will follow, and wherever I end up, there I will be with Him and that will be a good place.
When Cal was born, I was trying to deal with the fact that my grandmother had recently died. Then I was trying to figure out the whole "mom thing." Then Cal got sick. Not long after Cal started improving, my uncle, who was everything to me, died. It seemed like I was going from big event to big event and never really dealing with any of them. So in July of 2011, I turned 27 and I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be "me" again. I will turn 28 in 50 days. I haven't made any really huge changes, but I am working towards understanding that wherever I am, crisis or no, that's exactly where I am. More importantly, it's exactly where I am suppose to be. My path is not planned by me. Thankfully, it is planned by someone much smarter than me. He is a father, friend, shepherd, and master navigator. Where He leads me I will follow, and wherever I end up, there I will be with Him and that will be a good place.
The Voyage of the Article Reader
I am an article reader. You can find an article for any situation in your life. I read them and sometimes obsess over them. This annoys almost everyone in my life because sometimes the articles are a little crazy. I am an article reader anyways.
People ask me quite often how old I am? When I say 27 they act a little shocked. This has happened to me as long as I can remember. "You seem so much older" is the most common response. I used to take offense at this comment, but now I think they are commenting on my maturity level and not the gray patch of hair that I try to keep colored.
So yesterday I was reading articles and I came across this article on stresstips.com about major life events that are the most stressful. It included things like jail time, divorce, death, new job, etc. As I went through the list I thought the items they listed were not average people things...how many people spend time in jail? Not I. So that got me thinking (this is why people HATE for me to read articles) and in true article reader fashion, I kept reading. Did you know that some events in life stop you from progressing in certain parts in your life? They do! There are parts of me that are very old. How many people under 30 do you know that have planned a funeral? There are parts of me that are very young. I went on my first trip without family this year. So despite what the article says are the most stressful life events, here are the things I believe are most difficult to deal with:
1. Watching someone you love die
2. Having a baby/ Becoming a parent
3. Being alone
4. Learning to depend on others
5. Losing your best friend
6. Figuring out who you are
7. Learning that ignoring something doesn't make it go away
People ask me quite often how old I am? When I say 27 they act a little shocked. This has happened to me as long as I can remember. "You seem so much older" is the most common response. I used to take offense at this comment, but now I think they are commenting on my maturity level and not the gray patch of hair that I try to keep colored.
So yesterday I was reading articles and I came across this article on stresstips.com about major life events that are the most stressful. It included things like jail time, divorce, death, new job, etc. As I went through the list I thought the items they listed were not average people things...how many people spend time in jail? Not I. So that got me thinking (this is why people HATE for me to read articles) and in true article reader fashion, I kept reading. Did you know that some events in life stop you from progressing in certain parts in your life? They do! There are parts of me that are very old. How many people under 30 do you know that have planned a funeral? There are parts of me that are very young. I went on my first trip without family this year. So despite what the article says are the most stressful life events, here are the things I believe are most difficult to deal with:
1. Watching someone you love die
2. Having a baby/ Becoming a parent
3. Being alone
4. Learning to depend on others
5. Losing your best friend
6. Figuring out who you are
7. Learning that ignoring something doesn't make it go away
Monday, May 21, 2012
We are the 1%
A few weeks ago someone asked me, "How did you become a single parent?" the sass in me wanted to respond with a 3 letter word, but I have a filter so I didn't. :) So let me tell you how this journey began...I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. I thought it was the worst possible thing that could happen. I looked into adoption, but ultimately I knew I couldn't go through with it. I was having to go to the doctor twice a week because "the baby" (Cal was referred to as "the baby" for all of my pregnancy, and still is quite a bit) wasn't growing right. There was no medical explanation for this other than I was under a lot of stress. Then one day in November, the little baby who wasn't growing made his appearance in the world. He was a 5 pound 12 ounce little thing that was suppose to need NICU, but did fine on his own. I moved back to Houston 10 days after Cal was born. I was home, but lost as could be. Being a new parent is one of the hardest, most scary and exciting experiences a person can go through. I wasn't just a new parent though. I was a teenager. I was single. I was living back at home after being on my own and I had to find the path that was right for me, the path that was right for us. I won't tell you it was pleasant because it wasn't. There were days, and still are, that I know Cal deserves more than I can give him. My world was rocked, but I needed to be his rock. So for a long time I refused to deal with the hurts and emotions that arose from being a single, teenaged mother.
About a year after Cal was born, I was starting to feel like things were settling down. In October of 2004, Cal got his first ear infection. This shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was the first time he had been sick. He went to the doctor and then we went to Fall Festival at school. That night I woke up and knew something was wrong. I went to check on Cal who just didn't seem to be breathing right. I took him to my mom who thought I was overreacting but said "take him to the ER if you think you should." I did and, of course, got lost on the way. I had to ask a police man at a gas station how to get to the hospital. That was one of the scariest nights of my life and so much is a blur, but certain moments are crystal clear like watching a TV show. I remember him looking at me like I was a crazy person and he told me "If you are going to be a help to anyone you have to calm down." The next part that I remember is Cal being in the exam room and the nurse telling me the machine batteries must be dying because it was reading his Pulse-Ox at less than 80%. After the 3rd machine, she realized it was correct and I heard "Pediatrics to the ER stat." The next few hours are a blur and I remember the doctor coming in and telling me I needed to call my family or anyone who wanted to say goodbye. I couldn't get my fingers to dial any phone numbers. When my parents showed up, a nurse had convinced the doctor to call Texas Children's and see if they would take Cal. I heard the doctor tell my dad "kids like this just crash and burn." Cal was suppose to fly on a helicopter to Texas Children's but the wind was too bad and we had to take an ambulance. When we arrived the doctor told us there wasn't really anything that could be done and a counselor came in. I suppose she was there to prepare us. Cal stayed in ICU 10 days. He was the 1% who survived viral and bacterial pneumonia of both lungs at the same time. Doctors still say things to me like "he shouldn't be alive." This is something I know.
When Cal turned 3, he had had pneumonia many times and had been hospitalized 4 times. He had ear tubes and was functioning at less than 50% lung capacity. He was not phased. He was eventually seen by the head of pediatric pulmonology at Texas Children's who wanted him tested for Cystic Fibrosis. His sweat test came back positive for Cystic Fibrosis and he was sent for DNA testing to confirm. I was told the sweat test is 99% accurate. He is the 1% that proves the test wrong.
When Cal turned 4, his hearing was tested because his speech was poor. He had distinct hearing loss and his right ear drum does not vibrate at all. Most kids with this issue never learn to speak properly and appear to have the speech of a deaf person. He is the 1%. Most people never know Cal has a hearing problem.
When Cal turned 5, he was on steroids and taking adult dosages of medicine to help his breathing. These are medications he would need to be on the rest of his life. Cal is now medication free. My little boy has proved the 99% wrong from the day he was born. He overcame things most adults haven't even dealt with. He is my 1% and I wouldn't give him up for anything. Cal is the biggest blessing of my life. He came from a terrible package, but I wouldn't trade him or our life. We are a family, odd as it may be, just a boy and his mom, but we are a family nonetheless. So how did I become a single parent? I chose to in a lot of ways and I was forced to in a lot of ways. Initially, I had no choice, but now you couldn't make me share Cal for anything.
Welcome to our journey...we've been lots of places and we have lots more to visit!
About a year after Cal was born, I was starting to feel like things were settling down. In October of 2004, Cal got his first ear infection. This shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was the first time he had been sick. He went to the doctor and then we went to Fall Festival at school. That night I woke up and knew something was wrong. I went to check on Cal who just didn't seem to be breathing right. I took him to my mom who thought I was overreacting but said "take him to the ER if you think you should." I did and, of course, got lost on the way. I had to ask a police man at a gas station how to get to the hospital. That was one of the scariest nights of my life and so much is a blur, but certain moments are crystal clear like watching a TV show. I remember him looking at me like I was a crazy person and he told me "If you are going to be a help to anyone you have to calm down." The next part that I remember is Cal being in the exam room and the nurse telling me the machine batteries must be dying because it was reading his Pulse-Ox at less than 80%. After the 3rd machine, she realized it was correct and I heard "Pediatrics to the ER stat." The next few hours are a blur and I remember the doctor coming in and telling me I needed to call my family or anyone who wanted to say goodbye. I couldn't get my fingers to dial any phone numbers. When my parents showed up, a nurse had convinced the doctor to call Texas Children's and see if they would take Cal. I heard the doctor tell my dad "kids like this just crash and burn." Cal was suppose to fly on a helicopter to Texas Children's but the wind was too bad and we had to take an ambulance. When we arrived the doctor told us there wasn't really anything that could be done and a counselor came in. I suppose she was there to prepare us. Cal stayed in ICU 10 days. He was the 1% who survived viral and bacterial pneumonia of both lungs at the same time. Doctors still say things to me like "he shouldn't be alive." This is something I know.
When Cal turned 3, he had had pneumonia many times and had been hospitalized 4 times. He had ear tubes and was functioning at less than 50% lung capacity. He was not phased. He was eventually seen by the head of pediatric pulmonology at Texas Children's who wanted him tested for Cystic Fibrosis. His sweat test came back positive for Cystic Fibrosis and he was sent for DNA testing to confirm. I was told the sweat test is 99% accurate. He is the 1% that proves the test wrong.
When Cal turned 4, his hearing was tested because his speech was poor. He had distinct hearing loss and his right ear drum does not vibrate at all. Most kids with this issue never learn to speak properly and appear to have the speech of a deaf person. He is the 1%. Most people never know Cal has a hearing problem.
When Cal turned 5, he was on steroids and taking adult dosages of medicine to help his breathing. These are medications he would need to be on the rest of his life. Cal is now medication free. My little boy has proved the 99% wrong from the day he was born. He overcame things most adults haven't even dealt with. He is my 1% and I wouldn't give him up for anything. Cal is the biggest blessing of my life. He came from a terrible package, but I wouldn't trade him or our life. We are a family, odd as it may be, just a boy and his mom, but we are a family nonetheless. So how did I become a single parent? I chose to in a lot of ways and I was forced to in a lot of ways. Initially, I had no choice, but now you couldn't make me share Cal for anything.
Welcome to our journey...we've been lots of places and we have lots more to visit!
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