The Windshield vs The Bug

Some days you're the windshield and some days you're the bug....I'm not sure which I'd rather be, but today I feel like both.

Today is June 24, 2012.  It is 4 days before my sister's birthday.  It is a Sunday.  I have a home, a family, and several very good friends.  I went to see "Brave" with my mom and son today.  Today should be a good day, but I feel like a bug meeting a windshield.  I knew today was going to be iffy as soon as I woke up....I wanted to stay in bed.  We went to church and sang "10,000 Reasons" (one of my favorite songs)...and still I knew it wasn't going to be a good day.  Today is 5 years since my uncle Chris died...that was a Sunday too.

After the movies I looked at my phone and told my mom "Let's see what's going on in the world of Facebook today."  I rarely check the news feed on Facebook (call me a selfish Facebooker, it's ok), but today I did.  I see a status update from my friend, Savannah, "Please pray for my mom, son and nephew."  I see a comment from our friend, George, "???" Savannah responded, "Call me."  Next to family, Janice Laurent is my favorite person in this world.  I knew it wasn't good before I called, but after talking to Savannah, Janice's daughter, my assumed bad day got worse.  Janice was driving to church with her three grandboys when her truck was T-boned.  Janice and 2 boys were in the hospital, the third was life flighted to Shreveport.  I dislike Sunday, June 24.  I dislike phone calls with bad news.  I dislike accidents.  I really dislike emotions.  I got a message from Janice tonight and all of the emotion of another bad June 24 hit full force....but God is good, and she would be the first to tell you that.  Janice and her grandson, Kaden, are still in the hospital tonight.  One grandson was released and Elijah is in ICU at LSU.

Today, while I went through a seemingly normal morning one of my very good friends was in a crisis.  Five years ago as I sat around talking to my family my uncle lost his life.  It is in these moments that I realize we cannot simply drift in life, we must live them, we must love in them, we must thrive in them. We were not put on earth to drift, but to live and to live with purpose.

I will be going home on Friday and there are bittersweet memories in that.  I know that I am not equipped or ready to deal with hospitals right now, and I have done well to avoid them for years now, but my friend is in need and that is not something I will miss.  Today, these songs are heavy on my mind....

The first is "Cryin' for Me" I cried and cried the first time I heard this song, because I actually called my Uncle Chris' phone several times after he died
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice I guess

The second is "Homesick" by Mercy Me...It describes so perfectly the feeling of being separated from people you love.

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I'd rather not be the windshield or the bug, but either way I know there are bad days.  Always will be.  But the good days, the memories, and the love we have for others is what we must cherish....so I will peel my little bug body of the windshield and get on with the thriving....but probably not today.

Lessons for Cal

There are so many things I want to teach Cal.  Here are a few that are on my mind right now...

I want to teach him to be happy, not just when everything is going right, but even in the midst of trials I want him to know joy and contentedness.  I want to show Cal that bad things happen.  That people will hurt you.  That life is scary.  But it's ok to live life, to thrive in life, to enjoy life despite those things.  Making new friends is a risk...they might use what they know of you against you, but people need people, and a good friend is worth the risk.  Life is worth living even after the hurt.  Not living life only allows the person who hurt you to continue controlling and hurting you...even when they live hundreds of miles away.  I want to show him that sometimes the beginning is the ending and the ending is the beginning.  For me, this is the beginning of my old life meeting my new life to make my best life.  
I never want Cal to look back and say "My mom was too scared to try."  I want Cal to always know that I was scared, but I lived life anyways.  I want him to be able to say, even when I am gone, if my mom was here she would try, because it is in the trying that we discover so much.  

My Words for You

These are my words for you, my sweet Skunkle.  I miss you every, every day!

This is what I said at Chris' funeral...

To sum up Chris French would be nearly impossible. I'm not sure how he would describe himself, or what he would say about all of this, I hope he can see it all and see love-- The love we have for him and the love he showed each of us.

Who would have ever thought that this funny, vivacious man would be leaving us so soon? Chris lived in the moment. He went full speed and did things on a whim. If the thought crossed his mind that he wanted to go to out of town-- he went. What an example to live by. Leave regrets behind and just live for the day—it's all we really have.

Chris was just Chris a simple but complex man. I don't think any one of us knew the same exact Chris. He was something different to each of us, but something special to all of us. He had the amazing talent to be just what I needed when I needed it. As one of his friends said "life is not about who we are-- but the great works that we perform while we are here. Chris did a lot of great work on this earth. He helped a lot of people get their lives on track-- that was his calling in life." And that was his calling in life. With Chris you were who you were. Nothing more- nothing less.

Chris was a safety net and rock for so many of us, and I couldn't help but think while writing this… "I'll call Chris—he'll know what to say". I will miss calling him whenever I need something or just want to say hi.

Chris was an amazing friend! Many of us here today have lost our best friend.

We are here today to remember Chris, to mourn his death, but also to celebrate his life and the blessing it was! We remember all the fond memories, the funny times, the crazy and irritating times he made us all laugh. We remember the times when he rescued us, and times when we could have wrung his neck!

We remember his honesty.

He was loving and passionate, generous and kind, funny and talkative, charming and loveable. I wish he could have seen all of us here and know he led a life to be proud of-a life worth remembering

Just a few short years ago I sat in one of these front pews and listened as a charming, composed man told of the beauty, strength and grace of his mother. Today, I stand in place of that man and he in place of his mother. I hope you leave here with the image of Chris "large and in charge". Can you even imagine the uproar he caused in Heaven Sunday?

And as he once told me- hold your head up, put your shoulders back and go make an entrance. So today we will hold our heads high, pull our shoulders back and make an entrance into life with only memories of Chris. We will take with us the lessons he taught us—Play hard, Pray hard, keep your loved ones close, and never leave the house in a mismatched outfit!

The day you went away...

It was 5 very long (and very short) years ago that Chris French left this world. I can remember that day like it just happened...I remember the phone ringing, I remember my mom saying "What do you mean he's gone," I remember sitting in my mom's bed shaking my head as if saying no would make it not true, I remember the almost unbearable sense of loss and loneliness that surrounded me in that moment. I could tell you so many things about the days that followed that phone call. I was so mad and lost. Chris was home to me. But to tell you of his death would do nothing to tell you of his life. Chris loved. He loved God, family, friends, and travel. Chris loved his kids and grand kids. He loved me.
So much more than an uncle, he was a friend and protector. Chris loved me with a fierceness I had never known. He loved me for who I was right then, not for who I could be or used to be. When he found out I was pregnant, I can still hear the words "no matter what stupid things you do I will always love you and God will love you more."
I spoke at Chris' funeral and people would ask "how can you do that" my answer is the same today as then...it was the very last thing I could do for a man who did so much for me. When you find that person who shows you that who and what you are in that exact moment, whether it's a mess or perfection, is OK...you can never repay them. He taught me so many lessons about love, but the greatest was, it isn't love if it's conditional.
So today I leave you with this...there are people in your life right now that if they never came home would leave a hole so large it could never be filled...tell them who they are and how you feel about them. We never know what the next phone call brings.

I hate the beach...

I hate the beach.  I have hated the beach as long as I can remember.  I have had 4 beach experiences in my life and all but one has encouraged this hatred...

Experience 1- I was in early elementary school and we went to the beach.  I am not sure where this was although I imagine it was in Alabama.  I was stung by a jelly fish.  I am pretty sure it was life threatening, but did we go home?!?! OH NO we did not.  I could have lost a leg and no one really appreciated the experience.

Experience 2- Having successfully avoided the beach for many years, my uncle, Chris, decided we needed to "get away."  So off we went to Orange Beach, Alabama.  We had the beach to ourselves, the waves were beautiful, the breeze was lovely and there were all kinds of colored flags waving on the beach.  There was only one other person on the beach and as the three of us basked in the beauty of having Orange Beach to ourselves, the man said "something keeps hitting my legs."  SHARK!!!  Yeah turns out those cute colored flags weren't decoration after all....I am pretty sure that was the beginning of my obsession with reading articles.

Experience 3- I went to Kemah with my grandparents and we were going to watch as the beginning signs of a hurricane came in.  The wind was nice and the waves were beautiful to watch until one crashed into the wall we were standing on and I was soaked the whole way home.

I hate the beach.

Experience 4- Cal wanted to go to the beach and I gave in.  I asked Carrie to go with us, but she was already going to Surfside with her friends Kayla and Omar.  Thankfully, Kayla let us come visit for the day.  We drove through quite a storm on the way there (Cal said there were funnel clouds) and I was thinking this was fitting to the beginning of what I knew would be an unsuccessful beach trip.  When we got to Surfside, the weather was beautiful and we had a blast!  Cal enjoyed playing on boogie boards and catching shrimp and crabs with Kayla's boys.  Overall it was a great experience and shockingly, I would go back.  Although I will need to wait a week or two since I am brighter than a stop sign right now.

So why go to the beach when I hate it so much?  Cal was about 3 when I realized there are some things he will never get to do simply because his father isn't involved in his life.  Father Son Campouts? NO Donuts with Dad? NO So I decided I would do everything I could to give him a good "boy life."  We went camping for the first time during Christmas that year.  Cal fishes, camps, play sports (because of my sister) and does all kinds of fabulous "boy things."  I am determined that he will not miss out on those experiences.  The beach is one of those things...I may not like it, but he won't miss out because of it.  And this is what makes it all worth it...My little boy had the time of his little boy life and for a few hours was just a boy on the beach, not a boy without a dad on father's day weekend.

Just being a boy...

The Magic of We

We is an interesting word to me.  It can mean so many things.  Sometimes people say "We are going to do..." and they mean YOU are going to do it and I will act like I helped.  Sometimes we means a group of people that don't really know each other but are all doing the same activity.  But sometimes we takes on the magic it was designed for. For two small letters, WE has some powerful meaning....WE, a group of like minded people.  WE, a group who stands together. WE, people who love each other.  How powerful would the Constitution be if it started with "The people" oh but add the we and you can hear the unification of a group of people from different backgrounds, faiths, economics, regions, and families.  WE, the people...but the magic of we to me is (as with most things) in the small moments.  We, the Lemms.  We, the Frenches.
Yesterday, someone said to me "We will figure it out" and in that moment it was magical to be part of a "we."  I hope you find a "we" to be a part of today.

When I grow up...

How many times have you asked or been asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  What was your answer?  Did it change as you grew?  Think about this quote from John Lennon, 

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down 'happy'.  They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

Who do you think is right?  My thought is neither.  How about this answer: I want to be me when I grow up.  I want to be who God designed me to be.  Not who you think I should be or my teacher or my friends think I should be.  I just want to be me.  I want to be the person who absorbs all that is going on around them.  I want to be the person who gets into other people's stories.  I want to view nature as what it is- God's masterpiece.  I want to be a light in the world, even if it's just my own little part.  I want to love the person even if I don't love what they are doing.  I want to forge my own path even when it's hard...because it is in the discovery of new things that we learn so much about ourselves.  So when I grow up I want to be me.  Whatever that may look like, I want to fulfill God's dreams for me not man's dreams for me.  His purpose is so much more than mine and His goals are so much greater.  People say shoot for the stars while God says "I created the stars."  I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the one who made it all, and THAT is exactly what I want to be.